Two weeks of training on my LegXercise Ellipse motorized under-desk foot-mover transformed me from a never-exerciser into an elite marathoner. The Ellipse (as seen on TV every three minutes) is a high-tech, passive exercise machine that moves your feet forward and backward while you sit.

Active Running is outdated. It’s what cavemen did to escape a nagging mate.

Right after I quiet quit last year, I was like, “Yes! I showed you, Oppressive Chemistry Lab Overlords.” But then I was like, “Shit, this is boring,” so I got to work coming up with ways to fill that time. Who knew work actually made time go by faster?