I hope all of you enjoyed your Thanksgiving. And for those of you who think of Thanksgiving as something to survive rather than enjoy, I hope you all came out mostly unscathed. And for those of you who don’t celebrate Thanksgiving at all, forget I said anything. You don’t get to partake in my well-wishing today.

Sitting will kill you. That’s a scientific fact: a new paper in the Lancet shows that every minute spent sitting on the toilet takes as many as seven minutes off your lifespan. Consider that as you hunker down there, peering at your smartphone!

I’m not going to claim that masculinity is a formula, but it’s totally a formula. Do all of these things, and your masculinity will be increased by at least 60%, with an upper gain of 80%.

Dear Chase Bank,

Bike sharing is rolling through every major city in America as the go-to mode of transportation for commuters and cruisers alike. I’m sure as a large bank it boils your blood to see your competitors being hailed as the savior from subways and buses.

I’m not going to claim that I’m the first person to ever make this joke.