Happy Year of Our Lord, 1354! Another round of murderous plague, over at last. So what happens now? Well, you can sit around and mope, wondering what we all did to offend God, or you can take advantage of record-low surviving populations to hit the exciting pilgrimage trail. Our all-inclusive Journeyer Package lets you select any eight of the following hallowed attractions, as well as transport options (ass, horse, camel) and a variety of meal plans (salted ass, salted horse, salted camel, salted fruit, weeds). The trip of a lifetime—it would be a sin to miss it!
The Shrine of St. Farçica: This obscure saint was assumed bodily into heaven after a lifetime of penance and good works. A jewel-encrusted casket contains the contents of her stomach, which were left behind.
The Column of St. Spiro Circumambulatorius: Pilgrims come from far and wide to walk in circles around this simple wooden post, in honor of a saint famous for walking in circles around a similar wooden post. Counterclockwise on Fridays in July.
St. Ildefonso’s Tile: Visitors to this colorful shrine can admire a ceramic tile of the style this popular saint once considered for redecorating his vestibule. He later changed his mind. Replicas available for purchase.
The Holy Head of St. Hectare of Acre: Visitors to Acre won’t want to miss the miraculously preserved, one-of-a-kind head of this highly venerated saint.
The Upholstery of St. Calamitus: This attraction is built around an item of furniture on which the saint committed a life-alteringly sinful act as a young man. His subsequent repentance cleansed the stain from his soul, but not from the seat cushion.
St. Imbroglia’s Procedure: When this pious Dubrovnik virgin was beheaded by a rich merchant for refusing to marry him, her followers reattached her head with the help of a balm made from the bones of St. Schlaffonia of Ghent. This shrine commemorates Imbroglia’s first haircut after that miraculous reunification.
The Unusually Broad Tomb of Duplicus and Jumellio. These twin brothers joined at the hip are celebrated for being miraculously joined at the hip. Note that only one brother was actually designated a saint—pilgrims should direct their prayers to Jumellio, not Duplicus.
The Shrine of St. Pestus of Nicosia: Pilgrims who kiss this jewel-encrusted casket immediately develop plague symptoms and die within 12 hours. Adults only; entry fee applicable to burial expenses.
The Basilica of the One True Hailstone: An impressive church that is home to a miraculously preserved ball of ice reported to have tumbled directly from heaven. The original jewel-encrusted casket was stolen 15 years ago; the hailstone now hangs by a string from the ceiling.
The Basilica of the One True Forgery: This handsome structure, located next door to the Basilica of the One True Hailstone, commemorates the very first unauthorized replica of the legendary frozen relic. A highly convincing facsimile is borne through the town in a colorful procession each year, on April 1.
The Basilica of the Sisters of the One True Forgery: Located next door to the Basilica of the One True Forgery, this order has drawn recent attention for the presence of saintly young nun who experiences a kind of stigmata every 28 days. Ask for Roxanne.
The Basilica of the Three Adjacent Basilicas: An impressive fourth basilica constructed next door to the Basilica of the One True Hailstone, the Basilica of the One True Forgery, and the Basilica of the Sisters of the One True Forgery. Save money on all four with a reduced-price group ticket.
St. Gandalf’s Spigots: This shrine displays a finely crafted effigy that emits tears every year on the anniversary of the saint’s death. The statue’s left eye drips cold water, while hot water comes from the right.
The Holy Head of St. Hectare of Acre: Visitors to Tripoli won’t want to miss the miraculously preserved, one-of-a-kind head of this highly venerated saint. Three-quarter view, rather dimly lit.
The Thousand Chips of St. Ellen of Troy: A fascinating shrine containing a mound of the saint’s relics, collected from hundreds of travelers over several centuries. None of the relics fit together or resemble each other in any way—clearly a miracle!
The Closet of Blessed Bertram of the Whispers (she/her): The tastefully decorated resting place of a celebrated priest who, after a lifetime of manly service, was buried in women’s clothing and an elaborate horsehair wig. Ladies half-price on Mondays.
The Tomb of Liliana the Verminous: This popular destination offers prompt relief for all who suffer from flea and louse infestations. And who doesn’t?! CAUTION: Not effective against scorpions.
The Sacred Paw of Palermo: Come here to view the shriveled foot of the wolf that devoured St. Indulgio. Having fasted in the mountains of Sicily for 40 days, the beloved saint was too weak to fend off the vicious canine. A favorite destination for rabies sufferers.
St. Pandorata’s Temptation: Local tradition asserts that this tightly sealed, jewel-encrusted casket contains Original Sin.
The Unidentified Relic of the Unknown Saint of Bavaria: The identity of this saint remains a mystery, but the bargain admission price makes the grave a must-see.
The Scales of Eternal Lamentation: Visitors marvel at a jewel-encrusted casket containing the scaly skin molted by Satan after he tempted Eve in the form of a serpent. Men only.
The Tabernacle of the Feather of the Tail of the Dove That Gave Noah the High Sign: Pilgrims bask in the atmosphere of sanctity surrounding this jewel-encrusted casket, which contains a feather from the bird that signaled the end of the Biblical flood with an olive branch. There is no reason to doubt its authenticity!
The Altar of Blessed Bridget of the Unguents: On view in this unassuming rural shrine is a jewel-encrusted casket in which the saint stored skin-care products.
The Shrine of St. Tremulata’s Oath: Beset by a hideous, incurable disease, this model of devotion promised God that if she survived she would consecrate her life to good works, specifically creating affordably priced embroidery on religious themes. Her creations adorn many a Crusader castle. Purchase a range of colorful threads and yarns at the adjacent gift shop.
The Holy Head of St. Hectare of Acre: Visitors to Aleppo won’t want to miss the miraculously preserved, one-of-a-kind head of this highly venerated saint. Three-quarter view, rather dimly lit, sporting a hairstyle he wore for only three months as a young man.
St. Odorific’s Procession: This cheerful daily promenade through a picturesque Croatian village commemorates a saint who just loved a parade.
The Shrine of the French Friar: The centerpiece of this unusual shrine is a large cauldron of boiling oil in which St. Jean de la Blaquière of Blaquière was martyred two centuries ago. The oil survives and is now used in the preparation of a range of popular indulgence-dispensing pastries. Available in chocolate, powdered sugar, or plain.
Abdurrahman the Infidel: One of the few Muslims living in a predominantly Christian community in northern Palestine, this humble, virtuous man endured continual attacks and harassment for stubbornly clinging to his faith, and was eventually martyred by a brutal mob. The shrine honors his posthumous conversion to Christianity, imposed by the pope.
Remember to visit shrines early in the day, when relics are at their freshest!
A final note: A clever con artist can fool even the most experienced traveler. The following attractions have been determined to be fraudulent and are no longer included in Journeyer Package pilgrimages: The Glade of the Divine Abscess, The 50 Nude Winking Virgins of the Archangel Halcyon’s Casino, Easily the World’s Narrowest Cathedral, The Footpath of the Seven Grievous Embarrassments, Sister Coelacanthia’s Humid Grotto, and the Miraculous Tassel of Fez.
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Barry Foy is the Minnesota-based author of Field Guide to the Irish Music Session and The Devil’s Food Dictionary: A Pioneering Culinary Reference Work Consisting Entirely of Lies. His “Rabbit Story” appears in Paul Auster’s anthology I Thought My Father Was God (and Mr. Auster read it on NPR), and “Pioneering the ‘Spread on Toast’ Concept” is included in Primal Picnics: Writers Invent Creation Myths for Their Favorite Foods. Foy’s prose and poetry have appeared in various periodicals and on radio.