Chapter 17: The Human Phase
The Mesozoic Era, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, was followed by a brief, embarrassing phase in which one species somehow became dominant: homo sapiens, or “humans.” Humans were mammals who lived on land and watched YouTube.
We first learned about humans when Dr. Martin Hardshell, a forensic crustalogist, was digging in Ancient Philadelphia with his own two claws. Our understanding of world history was fundamentally altered by his discovery of the Fishtown Ukulele and the Manayunk Toupee.
Biology
Humans varied greatly in size and shape. Their large brains made it possible to develop many languages that were mutually unintelligible. This sometimes led to hilarious misunderstandings such as “World War I.”
Humans were bipeds. Their feet had toes that served no purpose other than giving them hangnails to whine about. Standing upright freed their hands for manipulating a device that was called—ironically—a “smart” phone. This was used to share images called “selfies.”
The largest humans lived in North America. To adapt to the harsh conditions of their shopping centres, they developed bulging guts and enormous buttocks.
Humans originally were thought to have two genders. Toward the end, things got murky.
Society
Humans assembled in many tribes, such as “Finns,” “Mongolians, “and “Swifties.” The tribes never coalesced into the kind of Planetary Government that we lobsters joyfully and endlessly adore. Long May It Reign!
Human intelligence spread to every region of the planet except for an area called “Florida.” But even with ample space, human tribes sometimes fought for territory. Individual humans even fought with themselves. It was not unusual for separate regions of a human’s brain to transmit signals such as, “That donut contains a hundred calories per bite,” and, “Mmmmmm, donut.”
Most humans cohabitated with other humans who they complained about to their friends. Many developed codependent relationships with members of other species. These partners were referred to as “pets.” Other animals were cooked as food. The distinction between pets and food apparently was random.
The treatment of lobsters by humans is not an appropriate subject for young readers.
Culture
Humans were a proud species, although it’s not clear what they had to be proud of. They did leave many artifacts behind. Some of these were Tastykakes. Seventy million years after the death of the last human, Tastykakes are not only still edible — they’re delicious!
Humans were an artistic species, painting many outstanding pictures of dogs playing poker. They also were excellent musicians. All lobster music is based on harmonic structures distilled from a single magnum opus: Greatest Hits, Volume II, by the genius known as Weird Al Yankovic.
Some humans clung to superstitions. The superstitious humans were called “fanatics,” “lunatics,” or “Uncle Norman.”
Human dwellings included areas for storing and preparing food. Some humans owned an air fryer and were smug about it. “I make everything in my air fryer,” they would say incessantly. “You should get an air fryer,” they would say.
The culinary capital of human culture was an island called “Britain.” The British masters produced many dishes that we enjoy today, including “bubble and squeak,” “toad in a hole,” and “spotted dick.”
Humans covered themselves in garments. Different garments were worn for different occasions. It was considered bad form to attend a funeral wearing pajamas and a gas mask.
Humans pretended to work during the day in exchange for “money.” Money came in the form of worthless bits of paper or metal. It was exchanged for goods and services such as “lapdances” and “soap-on-a-rope.”
Technology
Humans were the first species to develop agriculture. Their bountiful harvests made it possible for humans to thrive on a well-rounded diet of crunchy snacks. Humans washed these down with beverages containing alcohol or caffeine—or both at the same time, for residents of an island nation called “Ireland.”
Humans invented motor vehicles that provided effortless locomotion. Then they invented treadmills to make up for the lost activity. Other primitive tools developed by humans include the Large Hadron Collider and boxes that dispense one Kleenex at a time.
Extinction
In their final period—referred to as “the 21st Century”—humans spent most of their time proving they weren’t robots and looking down at their “smart” phones while walking in public.
As their reliance on fossil fuels caused the planet to warm, humans transitioned to using primitive nuclear power reactors. Most of these were built with components from Wang’s House of Nuclear Parts, a manufacturer with the slogan, “Nuclear power—what could to go wrong?” Billy Bob Jumpers, a technician at the Pensacola Nukyular Plant, uttered the last recorded human words: “What does this button do?”
The nuclear meltdown was what we call a “mass extinction event”—or, depending on your point of view, “good news/bad news.” The bad news, for humans, was the extinction of humans. The good news was the mutation of lobsters into a sentient, amphibious species, the beginning of the Crustacean Era, and the emergence of the Planetary Government that we celebrate at all times. Long May Our Triumphant and Fairminded Leaders Continue to Move Forward with Their Bold Plans for a Glorious Future!
A small number of humans survived the nuclear disaster. Their scarcity was lamented by an important writer from that time, Pliny the Lobster. “You can hardly find a human nowadays,” he wrote. “But if you do, I recommend serving them with melted butter.”
Question for Discussion
How could a species with such rudimentary technology produce the musical genius known as Weird Al Yankovic?
————
Performing globally in his previous career as a composer and pianist, Chris Malloy mostly avoided triggering any major international conflicts. In addition to his catalog of published musical scores and recordings, his writing has appeared in Oddball Magazine. Visit www.chrismalloy.ca for more information about his portfolio. These days, Malloy writes stories with characters who exhibit abundant flaws that are based on his own. He plans to make a fortune by suing for defamation.