First off: I don’t care that you’re a hunchback. It’s 100% fine. This is not about that, okay?

I was driving and you were a pedestrian, but let’s get this straight—you almost hit me. Not the other way around.

I was backing out of my garage into the street. I checked both directions. When I arrived in the road and reached for Drive, there you were. An inch away from the driver’s door. Screaming and shaking your walking stick like Gandalf. Based on your location, I wouldn’t have hit you—you would have hit me.

Where did you come from? While it would be fun to fantasize about a time/space portal reserved for hunchbacks—and again, this is not about your hunched back—that wasn’t it.

I lowered my window and apologized profusely, but I regret that now. It took twelve hours and a weighted blanket, but I finally calmed down enough to piece it together. You were walking down the middle of the road, hidden by a parked car. And—spoiler—I cannot see through cars. Through the windows, maybe. But you are—and again, not the point—a hunchback, and were too low to be visible.

There was a sidewalk. You skipped it. Had you used it, I would have seen you.

Also, you didn’t have to speedwalk up to the edge of my car just to make your point. You could have… stopped. You saw the car. You heard it. But I guess you needed to feel that hot, angry whoosh of air across your nipples as you brushed death and screamed into my window.

There are so many things I want to yell, but please know that none of them have anything to do with your hunchback. It was just a descriptor—like “teen in cargo shorts” or “lady with pock marks.” I would be just as angry if you had a regular back or were slightly stooped over from years of desk work.

So in closing, two things:

You were wrong.
And I take back my apology.
(Not because you’re a hunchback, but because you live in my blind spot now.)

————

Billy D is a humor writer whose work has appeared in Frazzled, Defenestration, and other fine publications. He writes about hunchbacks, parenting, and other modern threats. Read more at palmtreesandpanicattacks.substack.com.