Press release: Jean-Michel de la Rosarie, the brilliant new nose of Parfums le Nez, has created a line of niche fragrances that accompany the chic suburban woman from alarm clock’s first buzz to final check of socials before lights out.
A l’Ècole (gourmand) When she don’t have time for breakfast, a spritz of this’ll do her until she makes it to Starbucks.
Top note: espresso, pumpkin spice, doughnut sprinkles
Middle notes: shirt removed from hamper because the wash didn’t get done yesterday, soupçon of Crest
Base note: attar of Audi
Le Déjeuner pour les Enfants (fruity metallic) All who pass through the impressive sillage of this fragrance will hunger with nostalgia for youth.
Top notes: peanut butter, grape jelly
Middle note: Wonder bread
Base note: lunch box aluminum
Eau de Whole (green vegetal) A scent so intense, it has been known to stimulate synesthesia-like hallucinations of haute-priced and perfect displays encountered by the morning’s first customers in Whole Foods.
Top note: Granny Smith apple
Middle notes: cilantro, celery, broccoli
Base note: avocado (fixative)
Parfum Louis (leather/floral chypre) Perfect for wearing to the mall when one can no longer resist the urge to acquire the latest “it” bag.
Top note: bergamot
Middle notes: rockrose, Turkish rose, Grasse rose, tuberose
Base notes: oakmoss, Épi leather
Cologne Banlieue (synthetic fougère) For him, her, or them. M. de la Rosarie’s unisex homage to Bvlgari’s masterpiece of burnt rubber, Noir––the essence of testosterone.
Top Notes: deflated soccer ball, saliva from coach’s whistle
Middle notes: astroturf, adolescent perspiration
Base note: concentrate of Beemer tires
Le Dîner à Emporter (oceanic oriental) The carefree remnants of not having labored over a hot stove with outstanding longevity––friends will ask if you’ve just returned from a vacation at the beach.
Top note: pickled ginger
Middle notes: edamame, seaweed, wasabi
Base notes: salmon, yellowtail, tuna
Octobre (smoky woody) Not for the shy, retiring type, this scent proclaims, “I’m hot!”
Top note: Lapsang souchong tea
Middle notes: burning leaves, fumée of pine needles
Base note: matches
Blanc de Blanc (white aldehyde) Sparkling, clean, the spirit of winter, capturing the virgin instant before that first whiff of gas from your neighbor’s snowblower.
Top note: virgin snow
Middle notes: white lily
Base note: unworn Uggs
Le Week-end (citrus spandex) The purest single note scent available evokes swinging blond ponytails and pilates equipment.
Top note: Lululemon
Middle note: Lululemon
Base note: Lululemon
Cologne des Chiens (animalic) What to do when you love your puppy so much that you can’t stand to be away from him? Wear him with you; the scent of true love.
Top notes: wet fur, muddy paws
Middle notes: chewed bone discovered (way) under the guest room bed last week
Bottom note: filled plastic bags
Samedi Soir (fruity sultry) Ah, the anticipation of dinner with your frenemies at the newest suburban hot spot!
Top notes: Charentais melon, Rubyglow™ pineapple
Middle notes: Grand Marnier, Armagnac
Base notes: crisp $100 bills, Spanx
Artisanal aromas for the smart suburbanite who likes to smell like herself—only more so!
————
Susan S. Levine’s short fiction and satire has been published in a variety of literary magazines including Constellations: a Journal of Poetry and Fiction, The MacGuffin, JewishFiction.net, and Little Old Lady Comedy. A board-certified dinosaur (that is to say, a psychoanalyst), she is the editor of Dignity Matters (Routledge) and the author of Useful Servants and Loving Psychoanalysis (both, Jason Aronson); the latter was a finalist for the Gradiva Award for best clinical book. To learn more about her, please take a look at SusanSLevine.com.