Congratulations on your purchase of XR7-Series K Time Machine. You have made a wise decision guaranteed to bring your family countless hours of entertainment.
No refunds.
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LEGAL DISCLAIMER
YearSurf Corporation is not responsible for any loss or injury incurred while traveling through time.
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Safety Warnings
If you go into the past there will be diseases without cures. There will be people who are not politically correct. There will be no safety regulations. If you scald yourself on a cup of coffee that doesn’t have a “CAUTION: HOT” label, that’s on you.
Going back to dinosaur times voids the warranty. Going back to when the Earth was a molten blob is not recommended.
Traveling into the future is likely to expose you to an Orwelian authoritarian post-apocalyptic hellscape. Make sure to bring mace and plenty of bottled water unless you like drinking the irradiated stuff.
Operating Instructions
Make sure the battery is FULLY charged before leaving, especially if you’re going back before 1793. It is highly recommended you bring a spare battery just in case, available for only $199.95. You don’t want to get caught in the 1400s with a dead battery. Good luck finding an adapter or an electrical outlet.
Make sure the oil is full. Extreme road rash is quite common on re-entry as the traveler tends to slide in to a stop. It is mandatory that you wear the official safety gear including knee pads and helmet, available only from YearSurf for $239.95.
Set the Light-Dark dial to the desired level of toasting and the temperature control to a recommend 325.
Preparing for Travel into the Past
Your electronic devices are not going to work, so you will need to rely on paper maps for navigation. If you go back before for 1857, you probably want to bring your own toilet paper because it wasn’t invented yet. And if you like coffee, don’t go further than the 15th century or bring a travel mug.
Preparing for Travel into the Future
Your electronic devices will be out of date and not functioning. And did we mention that robot overlords will be hunting humans with lasers that shoot out their eyes? It is recommended that you stop in the year 2097 and pick up a photon canon for self-defense before going any farther than 2116. If you can’t afford a photon canon, prices will be 700% higher in 2097, then a simple hand mirror can be used to deflect robot lasers, but you have to be quick.
Changing History
You’ll probably want to go back and kill Hitler. Sure. Why not. It’s a fun day trip. In fact, it’s one of the most popular vacation activities. So much so that Braunau am Inn, Austria, where Hitler was born, has become overrun with souvenir stands selling “I killed Hitler” t-shirts. So, go ahead. Have fun. Take your selfie like everyone else. Just don’t expect anything to change when you get back. The Second Law of Alternate Timelines means that no matter how many tourists go back and kill him, he’ll still be there in the history books as usual.
Same goes for saving John F. Kennedy. Warn him. Run out next to the car. Jump in front of the bullet. Feel good that at least you tried.
And don’t even think about going back to before you paid for your XR-7, we already thought of that and have put in a security block to prevent that.
Don’t think about going back before we put in the security block either because we thought of that too.
As far as going back and buying Amazon or MicroSoft stock at a penny a share, be our guest. Just remember that everyone else is doing the same thing so these are worthless.
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Troubleshooting Guide
Calibrating the Temporal Scale
If you find yourself going forward or back more or less than intended, the adjustment can be made by turning the Calibration Screw shown in Figure 4. (Figure 4 is available for $8.95.)
Be careful. The Calibration Screw is very sensitive. One quarter turn clockwise will increase travel distance by a factor of 2. One quarter turn counterclockwise will decrease travel distance by a factor of 2.
This is not a joke. If you turn it too much and end up with the Sun supernovaing, boy will your face be red!
No Power
Check if it’s plugged in. If you’re using the solar adaptor, make sure it’s sunny outside.
Screen Freezes
Try turning it off and turning it on again.
If the software is acting wonky, you can always test the device by sending back a goldfish. Unfortunately, you will have no way of knowing what happened to the fish or have any way of getting it back, but it will tell you that the gravicyclic engine wasn’t the problem.
Check Engine Light
This is self-explanatory. Check the gravicyclatron.
Rattling Noise
The XR-7 has no moving parts except for the bobblehead on the dashboard. If the noise isn’t coming from there, your guess is as good as ours.
Smell Gas
If you smell gas this is definitely cause for concern because the XR-7 doesn’t use gas. Check your stove. If you don’t have a gas stove, panic.
Fluid Leaking
If you notice a pool of liquid underneath the chassis, check the color. If it’s green, all is serene. If it’s red, fill with dread. You will need to replace the alternator. Available for $499.95.
If it tastes like strychnine go to the Emergency Room immediately for strychnine poisoning.
Smoke
Thick black smoke coming from the plasma coil assembly means your device is working properly.
Screen Lights Up, but Device Doesn’t Go
Make sure the hand brake isn’t on.
Make sure you’re not in Airplane Mode
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We hope you enjoy your trip.
Don’t leave plastic cups, food wrappers, or other litter.
Please leave the past and the future the way you found.
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Scott Talbot Evans’ work appears in Amazing Stories, Space & Time Magazine 14 Spooky Tales, Weekly Humorist, Shoreline of Infinity, Creepypod, and Crimeucopia. He is a three-time finalist in the New Yorker cartoon contest. His novel The Love Police was released last year. He is working on his sixth book. Come say hi on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/social-scott.bsky.social