Onboarding Lines

Good afternoon passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for the all-women flight to pay parity. We have been calling out for passengers for a few decades but have a few concerns. If you’re people with small children, passengers requiring special assistance, people of color, or sometimes identify as a woman, you may be asked to get at the back of the line. You risk being deboarded if you make any noise. Otherwise, we will be at your service, with discount coupons and one free martini after hours on March 8th. Please have your boarding pass and identification ready. Regular boarding will begin in approximately 10 minutes, and let us remind you we do not consider pay negotiations very “ladylike.” Thank you.

Finding the Correct Gate

This is the first boarding call for passengers on the flight looking to find a work-life balance. Please proceed to gate 3 and gate 5 immediately. The final checks are being completed and the captain will order for the doors of the aircraft to close in approximately 3 minutes and 20 seconds. You must reach both the gates and quickly. I repeat, this is the final boarding call for work-life balance. Thank you.

Takeoff Troubles

Ladies, welcome onboard Work Force with service from dawn to dusk. You are currently third in line for your promotion to takeoff, after the old dude, coworker dude, and the younger dude. Okay, okay, our bad, you are fourth in line. You are expected to take off anytime, so don’t show disappointment. (We will keep you posted about it.) Meanwhile, we ask that you please fasten your seatbelts and work your ass off. Also secure all your baggage underneath your seat or in the overhead compartments, out of our sight because we like to believe that this is the only life you have. It would be best that you do not carry any baggage at all. At the same time, we expect that your handbag has your laptop, all sorts of chargers (that we like to borrow), a safety aid kit (because you are a woman), and a list of places to dine, because as the only woman in the office, you will be expected to make the bookings.

We also ask that you always look your best and speak the least. Please turn off all your opinions and enjoy our mansplaining. Complaining is prohibited for the duration of the flight. Thank you for choosing us. Enjoy your flight.

Rough Weather Ahead

Good afternoon passengers. This is your captain speaking. First, I’d like to welcome everyone on Rightwing Airways. We are currently cruising in 2023, a time in history, where science and common sense is showing us one way, but we choose to go back in time because that political weather suits us. We had been planning this for a while and now we can’t wait to land you in whatever lies ahead. The cabin crew will be coming around every 20 minutes to remind you that all lives matter, except yours. I’ll talk to you again before we reach our destination. Until then, sit back, relax, and let us make decisions about your body.

Midair Emergency

Ladies, on behalf of the crew I ask that you please direct your attention to review the emergency procedures. There are emergency exits on this aircraft, but not for you. Oxygen masks will never drop down from above your seat because society expects you to gasp and struggle with everything. Also, if you exit, remember we make reentry to the carrier (career) near impossible.

While you are in the fight, you can choose from a wide range of pressures. There is social pressure, peer pressure, family pressure, and self-inflicted pressure. If your biological clock is ticking, we offer a complimentary house-special cocktail made of all the above-mentioned pressures.

If you are traveling with children, make sure that you help them, your partner, your work, then yourself, and in that order. In the unlikely event of an emergency landing and evacuation, you will be expected to make the sacrifice.

Life rafts are located at some place, but it is best to trust your instincts. While we wait for takeoff, please take a moment to review your choices, even when we know you only have a few.

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Supriya Pant is a media professional and writer. She has completed the Online Certificate Program in Novel Writing from Stanford Continuing Studies and is working on her first novel. Her humor pieces have been published in journals like Points in Case and Little Old Lady Comedy. She lives in Jersey City with her husband.