Are you tired of feeling depressed? Worn-out by justifying your failures to your dwindling social circle? Sick of wasting thousands of dollars on a certified psychiatrist to bring up topics that you have carefully repressed?

Do you wish there was a better way? Well now there is.

Hi, I’m Paul Jenkins, a BoostyBuddy spokesman. A few months ago, I was just like you. Overweight. Stressed. Borderline suicidal. But today, I’m a changed man. I’m running marathons. I’m dating Miss Universe. I’m literally swimming in cash. How did I do it? By spending just 15 minutes a week on the phone with my BoostyBuddy.

Yes, I said just 15 minutes. That’s less time than the average person spends on the toilet in a single day. Amazing!

First developed by NASA to treat clinically depressed astronauts on deep space missions, BoostyBuddy is the state-of-the-art, all-natural way to stop your downward spiral of emotions and make you feel better about yourself, instantly.

How does it work? The secret is in BoostyBuddy’s clinically proven schadenfreude-focused design. Let’s face it. We all smile when some over-achiever falls off their high horse. Now this poor schmuck can be your personal BoostyBuddy so you can watch them dramatically fail when you need it most.

Getting started with BoostyBuddy is easy. Just call our toll-free number, 1-800-BoostyMe. One of our friendly and discrete BoostyBuddy representatives will select the perfect pal for your situation. You can choose to watch or listen to your BoostyBuddy epically fail once a week for 15 minutes at the time of your choosing. It’s that simple! If your frown does not turn upside-down after your first BoostyBuddy session, you get your money back, guaranteed!

Does it sound too good to be true? You’re wrong friend. But don’t just take my word for it that a penny spent with BoostyBuddy is a penny earned, let’s hear from a few of our satisfied customers.

Amy, tell our viewers how just a few BoostyBuddy sessions changed your life.

Hi, my name is Amy and I’m a 38-year-old housewife. After my husband was killed in Iraq, I was a complete mess. I couldn’t take care of our four young children. Our youngest one was only 3 at the time. He asked me all the time when his dad was coming home. It was unbearable. I didn’t see the point of waking up. I isolated myself from my friends. I felt so ashamed that I could barely make a peanut butter sandwich for me or my kids. But after my first BoostyBuddy session, I made a BLT. Can you believe it? A BLT! After the second, a meatball sub. BoostyBuddy saved my kids from starvation. Stop having a boring sandwich America, stop having a boring life!

Thanks Amy. You go girl!

BoostyBuddy is not just great for parents, it’s great for the whole family. Watch it transform that angsty teenager in your life into an upstanding citizen. Let’s hear from one of our young success cases, Dennis.

Hi, my name is Dennis and I’m 15 years old. I’ve been bullied my whole life because of my baby fat. My mom calls me her teddy bear. She says I’m not fat, she says I just have big bones. Why did she give me big bones? Why did I get all the ugly traits from the family? It’s not fair. I used to spend hours a day locked in the closet in my room, wishing that my body would disappear. I was still wetting the bed. There was this one bully, Colby, that pushed my face into dirt at recess whenever he saw me. He said he was trying to push the fat out my eyeballs. When I talked to my dad about it, he called me a pussy, told me to man up. So, one day I stole the money for my first BoostyBuddy session out of my mom’s wallet. It changed my life. Now, I randomly punch people that are smaller than me and steal money from my family all the time. My mom says she does not recognize me anymore and cries every day. Thanks, BoostyBuddy!

Look out world, dangerous Dennis is on the loose! That looser now has a future thanks to BoostyBuddy!

If those happy customers have not convinced you yet, then you must have stuffed potatoes in your ears. Take them out, make some French fries, and listen closely to Nathan’s story to see how BoostyBuddy can help you enjoy your golden years.

I’m Nathan and my family tells me that I’m a 64-year-old alcoholic. They think it is important for me to call myself an alcoholic. I don’t get it. I drink every day, sure, but I’m a big guy. I drink proportionally to my size. They say I drink enough to kill a horse, but last I checked I was not a horse. I’m a grown man. I have rights. But they made a big deal out of it and had an “intervention” with me last year. They told me I need to sober up. After “the talk” I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt judged every time I opened a bottle of whiskey for breakfast. I couldn’t live like that. I moved into a tiny apartment downtown where I can drink what I want in peace. I have not spoken to my wife and kids for months. I really liked that BoostyBuddy didn’t ask me to change my life just so that I could spend time with the grandkids. It’s exactly what I needed. Cheers Boosty!

Cheers to you too Amigo! Nathan made the right choice with BoostyBuddy and so can you.

Stop wasting your time and money. Send your psychiatrist packing! Toss your medication out the window! Don’t listen to big organizations earning a fortune on your misery and replace it all with your hand-picked BoostyBuddy for a fraction of the cost.

We have already sold millions of BoostyBuddy sessions, with a retail value of $99.99 each. But if you call within the next 20 minutes, you’ll also receive our texting package absolutely free! Our texting package includes up to 10 messages a day from your failed friend to give you a quick mood fix on the go. That’s a $39.99 value absolutely free!

Life is hard enough as it is. Start feeling your bestie with your BoostyBuddy! Call our toll-free number, 1-800-BoostyMe now. Operators are standing by.

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Lanay Griessner is a new writer and a recovering academic with a PhD in biology. Originally from Springfield, Massachusetts, she has been an expat in Austria since 2008. She has 4 published short stories and over 50 publications in science journalism. When she is not writing, you can usually find her hiking with her husband and 2 pint-sized boys and mispronouncing the German names for sausages.