An Important Message From the Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family’s Product Safety Team,” by Liz Lydic

Jun 21st, 2023 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Dear Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family Products Customer,

We are writing to notify you of a possible safety issue with one of our products. Our records indicate that you have purchased a potentially dangerous Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family item in the past.

Please review the details below for further information:

The American Consumer Committee for Product and Goods Safety and Well-Being (ACCPGSWB) has informed us that Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family products may not meet certain health and well-being criteria required by national and state legislation and regulation for manufacturing and products.

If you still have this product, we urge you to stop using it immediately, and dispose of it.

The Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family products were sold at various retail stores nationwide in the past, and pose a risk of injury to your child.

However, if your child played with these toys in the manner intended by the creators and distributors, he/she is at low-to-no risk for harm, unlike children who opted to seek imaginary circumstances with these products outside the intended scope.

Children who placed these toys in anything other than a heteronormative configuration are at great risk for potentially harmful results of the pieces that have been deemed unsafe.

Children who played with these toys in a traditional manner, and did not deviate from a nuclear family, and presented imaginative scenarios wherein the Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family products represented monogamous heterosexual couples and family units are at low-to-no risk for the impact of the products which do not meet certain health and safety criteria.

Children who chose to cohabitate members of the same species or chose to rename any of the Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family in a manner that suggests gender neutrality may display deeper signs of this product’s harmful elements as outlined in the product safety recall details.

Details on this recall and safety issue will be sent via mail to the address associated with your purchase. The notification will provide information to call or write for further clarification on these safety hazards and what you can do to protect your health and well-being while these products are in your possession.

If these products were a gift, and you suspect the recipients of the Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family toys have utilized the product by depicting traditional gender roles and portrayed the proper dynamic between men, women, and children in the American family, no further action is required. If you suspect the recipients intentionally deviated from these intentions, please take immediate action to inform the recipients of the potential safety issue associated with the Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family products.

Other circumstances that greatly increase your child’s exposure to risk with the Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family products, if child engaged in any of the following imaginary scenarios while playing with the product:

  • Directed female bunnies from the Town and Country Jamboree Set to have hobbies other than baking or baby bunny caretaking.

  • Removed the apron from female matriarchal Pet Princess Playhouse and Precious Pea Pond frog figures.

  • Removed the lumberjack coveralls from male fox or beaver patriarchal figure featured in the Biscuits and Butter Party

  • Permitted chipmunk father figures of Cozy Creature Chalet to deviate from professions outside the intended career path of the creators, including, but not limited to writer, actor, teacher (except Physical Education), musician, or chef. Acceptable male professions include farmer, mailman, fireman, policeman, and office worker.

  • Allowed father otter to wear papoose to transport Fairy Flutter Falls baby otter, thus defying clear instructions in the packaging indicating the child-transporting papoose is intended to be worn only by mothers.

  • Allowed vegan cuisine and same-sex partnering amongst moose characters residing in the Butterscotch Nook Village.

We value the safety and happiness of most of our customers. Your child’s ability to play and explore properly with our products is of our highest priority. We deeply regret any physical, emotional or reputational harm this product safety concern has caused you.

Additionally, toxic traces of phthalates, boron, and Bisphenols (BPA + BPS) are known to exist in the recalled Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family products, and may prove fatal.

The safety and satisfaction of our customers is our highest priority. We urge you to take this recall seriously. We regret any inconvenience this may cause you.

Thanks for your faith in the Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family product line.

Customer Service
Whimsical Woodland Wonders, Inc.

Note: do not reply to this message; it was sent via a source that cannot accept incoming emails.


Liz Lydic is a mom, writer, and an admin for a city in the Los Angeles area. She also does theatre stuff.

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