“These Baby Names Will Guarantee Your Child’s Standing On Top Of The Pile Of Corpses Rather Than Being One Of The Corpses,” by Ryan Honaker

May 3rd, 2023 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Don’t let just the tip of the melting iceberg of the already begun and by every conceivable method of analysis only getting a lot worse in the near future global climate apocalypse stop you from having children. But since there’s a pretty good chance they’ll die from a climate-induced calamity, why not give them a better chance of survival in the Mad Maxwellian near future by bestowing on them a name fit for the head of a cannibalistic death cult that almost certainty awaits them! If you can’t beat them, eat them, and also lead them. Think it’s a coincidence that the most common male name of the last ten years is Noah?

Predatory animal
Kind of an easy way out, but imagine how proud you’ll be and how tough it will sound when your little Cheetah or Hawk is all grown up and sitting on their throne of skulls.

Feature of nature (e.g. mountain, canyon, canal)
While not necessarily automatically a win, simply adding “The” or “tamer” (The Mountain, Canyon Tamer) to the name as your baby begins their merciless and bloody ascent to power makes them an obvious power player.

Some Tolkien shit
You really think you’re going to come up with anything better than he did?

McKinsey/Madison or something equally saccharine that sounds like something that a rich person who plays tennis/golf and went to prep school would have
This one will come out of left field, imagine the surprise on their faces when they have to pledge obeisance or be eaten to someone with one of those names. Ha ha! Who needs an MBA any more!

Some DnD shit
Take the guesswork out of it!

Kind of a no-brainer, but doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea! The historical and artistic record soundly demonstrates that anything with an X is automatically bad-ass. It also leaves the option to go simply as X, also brutal. And if anyone gives them shit about X meaning “hug” from back when human contact was allowed then they can be killed in the hugging chamber, then we’ll see who’s laughing.

Some Biblical Shit
I mean, someone’s been thinking this through (looking at you parents of Noahs.) And by default gives their blood reign some quasi-religious credibility.

Some word or name that’s foreign to your native language.
It doesn’t matter what it means, it will mean something different after the carnage attached to the person! There are two approaches here, a random noun or a proper name. Who cares if it actually means rainbow or tulip, or Jen or Barry. Anyone who challenges them becomes dinner, done. Sateenkaari? Bayartsetseg? Born for it.


Ryan Honaker is a composer, multi-instrumentalist, scientist, and writer currently living in New York City. He is interested in writing, musical composition, reading, contemporary art, and travel, and the ways these activities provide new ideas and avenues for creative exploration. https://www.ryanhonaker.com/

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