“Grand Opening of Hester Prynne’s Sexy Boutique Coming Soon!” by Brittany K. Fonte

Mar 15th, 2023 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

It’s April, 2030, and there is a new home for romance in our town: Hester Prynne’s Sexy Boutique is opening soon at the intersection of Dimmesdale and Chillingworth Avenues! Chock full of whips, cat-o-nine-tails and clothing for the boudoir-curious, the new business owner invites the public into her private space this Friday evening at 6 o’clock, cock-tails to follow.  Prynne’s boutique is just part of a tremendous influx of BIPOC, women- and nonbinary-owned businesses born of this post-Red, rainbow era.

Across from the historic scaffold in the town square, you’ll know you’re near the shop when you smell the perfume from the blooming rose nursery next door. The delicious scent is just one of the sensual treats you can find, here, though. With over 50,000 square feet of retail space, this adult fantasy superstore, hidden behind a weighty wooden door ornately decorated with primitive spikes—a nod to the priggish religious guidelines of the 2022 Republican world—has something for everyone age 21+.

Ms. Prynne and her daughter, Pearl, relocated to Smalltown from a scanty abandoned cottage on the outskirts of Boston. The pair, once highlighted on The Today Show for their beautiful embroidery and fanciful christening gowns sold at their Etsy shop, Scarlet, found their new calling in the wake of conservative disaster: “It was difficult to survive as a single parent,” Ms. Prynne said. “The needlework trade was soon overtaken by Bedazzling. Pearl and I were excommunicated from our church for my extramarital conception. Our online shop was cancelled by Reddit and Fox News within hours. We had to find a new way to survive.”

With the imposition of Supreme Court term limits, and the occasions of our first female president and constitutional rededication to Separation of Church and State, BIPOC, women and nonbinary persons experienced a new sense of freedom in 2024. It was this sweeping opportunity for true equal rights that led Hester to planning the emporium. She began to reimagine the world for her then-20-year-old daughter. “Pearl doesn’t have to believe she is less-than anymore,” Prynne noted, “She can stand in her own power and safe words, and she can find her own pleasure, too. I only wish I could have lived this way. So now, we want to offer this underserved community a way to get in touch with themselves, whether it be through open, consensual play or designer lingerie with something to say.” In fact, their nightwear does literally have something to say.

Alongside lingerie staples like Willendorf, which boasts real body sizes through XXXL and bras up to size 48J, and the eco-friendly and organic cotton line by Black-owned Elysian Fields, Hester Prynne and her daughter have created an alphabetical line of corsets and bustiers lusciously ornamented with monograms to share personal identities. Now, “A” whispers “Aromantic”; “B” shouts “Bicurious”; “C” affirms one’s cupiosexuality, and the list continues through “Z,” proudly proclaiming an unquenchable desire for hot zaftigs. Ms. Prynne is adamant: “This line,” titled Meteor for the power of light this clothing brings out of societal darkness, “is about actively engaging in our own sexual worlds and leaving the shame of the Puritanical past behind us.”

In addition to the personal, couple, throuple and beyond pleasure props, Prynne’s boutique will offer a full schedule of sensual, metaphysical and holistic classes. These courses were carefully curated to both titillate and affirm the worth of every human being in this united village. Register today for Conflict Remediation 101: Not Angry Sex; Consensual, Communicative Sex, Look Fabulous: A Styling Tutorial with Patient Drag Queens, and Fuel Your Self-Esteem with Vegan Food and Salsa Dancing! and more. All classes are pay-what-you-can.

See you soon at Hester Prynne’s Sexy Boutique! All kind kinds welcome!


Brittany K. Fonte holds an MFA in Fiction Writing and teaches in the Creative Writing graduate program at Concordia University, Saint Paul. She has published four books, co-edited a Lambda Literary finalist in Poetry Anthology, and written four screenplays with her writing partner. The team’s first produced screenplay, ironically a horror film from the rom com writing duo, is titled Most Horrible Things; it can be streamed on Amazon Prime. Brittany’s life goal is to convince her teen and tween that she is, indeed, funny. This might be futile.

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