“Codicil of My Ill Will,” by Melanie Chartoff

Nov 23rd, 2022 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Being of sound mind and ill will, I, Karen Miller-Strauss, execute this document dated March 19, 2022, to replace all prior wills and codicils from me or my beloved late husband, Arthur Strauss, for whom I am next of kin, a blood relative, having given blood to sustain him during his final surgery. Disbursements will be reduced by the line item amounts for reasons stated.

From my beloved stepson Ethan Strauss‘s inheritance, deduct for reasons given:

  • Not one Mother’s Day call in my 13 years as your stepmother -$1800
  • Not even a Happy Anniversary once -$1800
  • Not donating to the Miller-Strauss Rescue Poodle Shelter -$500
  • Your infant daughter eating off my plate unreprimanded -$600
  • Your son Zack’s college educationhe spelled my name wrong -$50,000 
  • Your wife’s unsuccessful effort to flush the baby’s waste down my bidet -$450
  • Your wife’s complaint about my use of a calculator at the dinner table -$100
  • Her eye-rolls at me clicking my pen over my checkbook at Zack’s birthday rodeo -$550
  • Your open marriage -$10,000
  • With people I don’t approve  $15,000
  • Scowling at my performingMy Art of Loving Arthur” at his funeral -$350
  • Not complimenting the lavish spread at the wake -$250
  • Unfriending me on Facebook -$800
  • Inviting your father’s first wife to be the baby’s godmother -$150
  • Pain and stressincalculable, but let’s make it $4000 

Furthermore, my beloved stepson Ethan will pay these penalties to cover the legal fees of preparing these amendments:

  • Removal of Ethan from my Advance Health Care Directive. You pay $10,000 
  • Removing my beloved’s bequeathal of the family home to Ethan Strauss in his nullified will. You pay $7,400

Any contesting of this Codicil of My Ill Will to my Last Will and Testament will result in forfeiture of Ethan’s share of the Family Trust at my demise to the Karen Miller-Strauss Rescue Poodle Shelter for the sum of $4,500,000.


Defenestration-Melanie Chartoff 2

Melanie Chartoff is a stage (Broadway), screen (Fridays, Seinfeld, Wiseguy, Newhart, Weird Science, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose), voice (Rugrats) actor. Her first book, Odd Woman Out: Exposure in Essays and Stories is rated 4.5 on Barnes & Noble and 5 on Amazon, available in e-book, paperback, and audio, narrated by the author.

She’s been published in McSweeney’s, Medium, Entropy, Crows Feet, The Jewish Journal, Funny Times, Five on the Fifth, Purple Clover, Glint, Entropy, Verdad, Bluestem, Evening Street Press, Mused, Jewlarious, Defenestration, Better after 50, Living the Second Act, Avenue, Goats Milk Magazine, Borrowed Solace, Avalon Literary Review, Eat Darling Eat, The Literate Ape, Lowestoft Chronicle,  Lothlorien Poetry Journal, Wry Times, Crows Feet and five editions of Chicken Soup for the Soul(Simon and Schuster).  She makes non performers more charismatic with one-on one virtual coaching.  Info at charismatizing.com

Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.