“An Interview After Crushing My Son’s Friend in Mario Kart 8,” by Derek Bremer

Aug 3rd, 2022 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

“Hi there! I’m Chip DeForsey for THE QUATRO, the Game Show Network’s fourth channel, and I’m here with Derek Bremer on his epic win tonight. Derek how long have you been playing Mario Kart?

“Thanks Chip, I’m a big fan of the network! It’s really great to be here right now. I’ve been playing Mario Kart ever since it popped up on the old SNES back when I was fourteen.

“Can you tell all of us how it feels to win today?”

“I’m not going to lie it feels great! I’ve been trying to beat that little bastard ever since my wife got me the new Nintendo Switch and it… well it just feels great. We’ve been battling online for the past seven days and well… like I said it just feels great.”

Uhh, Derek did you just call a ten-year-old child a little bastard? You know we’re live now?

“Yeah. Yeah, I did, but it’s technically correct. The kid’s father skipped out when he found out his girlfriend was pregnant but that’s all in the past. He’s been a great competitor.”

Derek it seems like you’re breathing pretty hard. Is it the excitement of the win?”

“Yeah, yeah that’s part of it. I’ve been honing my skills, memorizing the courses and really getting a feel for the game for a long time. A lot of prep goes into this kind of win so I haven’t been doing much of anything else and I just walked down the stairs so I’m a little out of breath.”

“Anything you want to say to your opponent?”

“Liam, you played a good race, dude. I think you’re going to be a force over the next six months or so. You’re one of the best ten-year-olds I’ve ever played and that really means a lot because I’ve spent a lot of time playing Mario Kart. You’ve got what it takes, man. Just keep playing and you’re going to be a great competitor. You could be me, dude. With enough work you could be me.”

“And what do you attribute this win to Derek?”

“Well my family, clearly. My wife and daughter left me to go live in Dubuque while I got ready for the big game. I love you baby! I love you both so much and I promise I’ll take a shower before you get home and don’t worry about the dog. I think she’s somewhere in the attic.

“Can you tell us a little about your training regimen?”

“Well Chip it’s been pretty straightforward. I play and play and play. I’d also like to give a shout out right now to my doctor who hooked me up with some black market speed and a bunch of banana bags. Jagermeister gets a fist bump. Also here’s a pro tip for anyone who wants to get to this level. Pick up some Depends, too, and some Desitin.”

“Your family must be so proud.

“You bet Chip.”

“So what do you plan on doing with your winnings?”

“I don’t do this for the money Chip but I gotta say that I need to invest it in more awesome.”

“More awesome?”

Fuck yeah more awesome Chip! I’m awesome and I’m going to put that $500 to good use and invest it in myself. Maybe get someone to clean my house for a month or two while I really devote my life to this game and winning. It’s all about winning.”

Well good luck with that Derek. Any last words?”

“Well I’d just like to thank God of course and my country. You’re both the best! I couldn’t have done this without either of you. And Desitin. God I couldn’t have done this without Desitin. And punklover69. I’m coming for you. I fucked up when I didn’t put that banana behind me and you rocked me with a red shell last year but that shit won’t happen again.”

“Thank you so much Derek. This is Chip DeForsey signing off for THE QUATRO.


Prior to his life as a stay at home father, Derek Bremer spent more than a decade performing various public relations and marketing functions for a number of financial consulting firms and found the job to be precisely as exciting as it sounds. When not tending to his wife or daughter, Derek enjoys subjecting the public to his thoughts on animal husbandry and the geopolitical balance of power in the European Union. He has been published in Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Good Men Project, Red Tricycle, RAZED, HPP, and the Anthology It’s Really Ten Months Special Delivery: A Collection of Stories from Girth to Birth.

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