“Welcome to Indiana! Destination for the Default,” by Grantland J. Rollins

Jun 1st, 2022 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Discover safety around every corner!

Have a favorite epithet? So do we! Feel free to use whatever language you’d like. You’re now among friends. Or honkies mostly, but you can at least say so! Here in Indiana, we understand connection is more important than pretense. And it won’t matter if that connection only happens with people who look and think as you do. That’s just how friendship works!

Soak up past classics from the likes of Picasso, Rodgers and Hammerstein, and Dr. Seuss!

You might have a hard time finding any art, but what you find, we want you to enjoy! You can linger in one of our fine coffee shops or loll in a verdant park, proudly holding The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn for all to see. Our theater productions may be tired, but you won’t be. You’ll be comfortable, knowing that art in Indiana has been selected with your enjoyment as its top priority.

You can smoke in bars!

Yes, we know it’s cancerous, but you won’t be if you do so. Socially, at least. You can also eat all the non-GMO meat and cheese you want, own guns and shoot them for fun, and laugh openly at others different from yourself. Life is short; that’s why we Indiana!

Escape from uncomfortable displays of affection!

In Indiana, coming out is fine so long as it’s not out of doors. Same with crying and dancing. What we want is for typical people to relax. That’s why you won’t see much affection from anyone at all, except between people and their dogs in our recently expanded dog parks!

Explore both kinds of religion, Catholic and Protestant!

Fact is, nobody knows how we got here or why. But you can venture from confusion to ignorance and back in a variety of Christian flavors! Denominations still have relevance here, and let’s face it: Christians have better music and prettier buildings. Want another fact? It’s no mystery why you should come to Indiana, where it’s nice to be confused together most Sundays. 

Recycle? Only if it’s up and down our gorgeous bike paths! 

We don’t want litter bugs, but climate change is here to stay, like it or not. And we like it! Why? Because (1) it can get a little cold here in Indiana, (2) we’re not near any coasts, and (3) we wouldn’t mind being a little closer to a beach getaway. In the meantime, stretch your legs and get fresh air while it lasts on a bike path suited for every kind of cyclist, from beginner to expert! 

You can’t beat the price!

Worried about getting what you pay for? Don’t be. Indiana isn’t just a value; it’s a valuable. Even if you’re woke, you’ll still love it here because you can afford acres to call your own and have enough left over to visit your favorite salons and villages. Did we mention our affordable, lightning-fast WiFi? What better way to see the world? Regardless, we have a hunch that—whatever your state of consciousness—you’ll be staying in the state of Indiana.

And there’s so much more normal for you to see! No matter the respite you’re craving, the Hoosier State remains a bastion for “Who’s Here” in America—the Default Man or Woman in you. 

Hurry while it lasts!


Sam Auld
Indiana Tourism


While drunk QVC-ing, Grantland J. Rollins sold his soul to Satan for unlimited sex and queso, but the Father of Lies reneged and gave him a webbed penis and lactose intolerance instead. He writes about this and other experiences in publications no one’s heard of.

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