One whole summer of just Gatorade and mac and cheese. One whole summer to save the dough for a scouts’ seat ticket to the biggest ball game of the year. Well look at you now—right behind home plate with a perfect view.

Let me say straight away that I have no problem living next door to a gay club, even one such as yours that boasts a fisting room in the back. I am a single, straight woman who has had minimal experience in that area, but unless someone is attempting to ram home a tractor, I fail to comprehend the intense groaning and outright wailing that comes directly up our shared air shaft and into my tiny kitchen.

Season 3, Episode 3: Pawfka-esque (The Metamorphosis by Franza Kafka): Wishbone is confused when his owner, Joe, invites him on the couch, while Joe’s mother, Ellen, yells at him to get down, putting our furry friend in a no-win situation.  With such absurdity, he may as well be Gregor Samsa going to bed a dog and waking up a person.

Because I am a proud, patriotic, ambitious, young immigrant to America who hopes to be rich someday and take advantage of all the great new tax cuts, I always try to follow the commands issued by cars bigger and better than mine, especially Hummers which are much bigger than the room I live in. This is especially true of the bumper sticker command “Support Our Troops” that I see on every Hummer on the road. I know Hummer drivers are doing their part, by burning the gasoline our troops are working so hard to keep flowing.