“Eating Healthy, A New Theory,” by Rod Walters

Jan 12th, 2022 | By | Category: Nonfiction, Prose

“They” say don’t eat inflammatory foods so as to avoid bad health and death. You do need to pick your theys as carefully as your friends, though. All kinds of online they food dictators are popping up in numbers greater than the actual population. Still, so many warn about inflammatory foods, that maybe we really should pay attention.

The most irritating thing foremost and right away are those few experts who brag about feasting on delicacies like wild foods that deer nibble, juicy vines, and small bait-quality fish from several genera (on special occasions). One certainly could get slender on that regimen, but I’ll bet one would be angry! Besides, you haven’t walked a mile in anyone else’s fry pan yet.

Death and bad health do sound pretty bad, in fairness, so let’s see what these “inflammatory foods” look like. More or less, it seems to be these criminals:

  • Sugar
  • Saturated fats
  • Trans fats
  • Refined carbohydrates
  • MSG
  • Aspartame
  • Alcohol

Clearly, then, in order not to die from inflammatory food poisoning, we need a regimen that is not inflammatory. It should be the exact opposite of inflammatory, so we’ll call it the Flammatory Diet. What foods could we include in this brilliant life-saver? Why, we may look no further than the seven uglies just listed.

  • Sugar. The bad sugar “boils down” to table sugar. Domino® cane or Idaho sugar beet sugar: sucrose. As everyone knows, sucrose consists of a fructose molecule and a dextrose molecule handcuffed together by God with a water molecule. We hear that the fructose part is evil. So go buy a sack of dextrose. It’s sort of sweet, and your very own body factory makes dextrose for energy and all kinds of other good things. Help it out! Besides, once you find out how flat this sugar tastes, you might say “fie it all” anyway.
  • Saturated fats. Not so fast. They say some of these ain’t so bad after all. Choose your they’s well, and then find their website which touts those favorite saturated-fats foods you like. Do not bookmark any other websites. In the website you do like, be sure to ignore any preachy sidebar sermons on portion size. Also, do not refer to this site too often, as experts change their collective minds weekly.
  • Trans fats. Oh, come, come! Are there any left? No, the food nazis have banished them. If there are none of these tasty items to be had, then logically there is no reason to keep them off your Flammatory Foods List. You can’t get any! Keep trans fats on The List as a nominal bad example.
  • Refined carbohydrates. Look at the definition here for the clue: RE-fined carbohydrates. This clearly implies that such foods have been first “fined,” then RE-fined god-knows-how-many times. Why would anyone want to eat stuff that essentially has endured multiple industrial beatings? Therefore, pick cooking items that have only once been fined. How do you know? Don’t buy that unhealthy garbage which has the “REfined” word on the label. Load up on cookies and cakes, for example, that you bake with flour that doesn’t say “refined” on the front! Also, keep one of those fat-tipped black Magic Markers® handy for package corrections.
  • MSG—monosodium glutamate. Foods containing this will be found heavily weighted toward Asian restaurants. Because this is blatant racism, it is disgusting and ignorant. Patronizing Asian restaurants makes excellent international relations, which eventually improve international trade, and this is very healthy. What if somebody told you that a huge number of “regular” processed foods you find in the grocery store also contains MSG? Well, you just heard that. MSG is supposed to be bad because it makes food taste good. What?! All right, then just don’t eat so much of it. Pick up a sack of great egg rolls for breakfast, and say “fie on this false rule anyway.”
  • Aspartame. ASS∙pär∙tām. 3-aminomethoxyphenylpropanaminobutanoic acid. Anything for which you don’t know the chemical formula or can’t spell, don’t eat. Great rule! They accidently got this one perfectly right.
  • Alcohol. This category should puzzle any thinking person paying attention to the news. In the first place, numerous famous food swells tell us that a couple of beers help us run around the day with more energy. After a certain age, it also helps run around during the night more often, but exercise in any form can’t be a bad thing! Before plunging into that daily six pack, though, one really ought to weigh the advantages and disadvantages. Sit back between meals with a small glass of mongrel-malt scotch, paper & pencil at hand. Epiphany will strike soon, so write this down: just don’t drink the alcohol with any meals. This way you don’t have to count them. Throw the piece of paper away.


It may dawn on the reader that there seems to be pretty small difference between these opposing diets. Inflammatory looks almost like flammatory. Who would have thought! In future years, both diets might scientifically prove to lop off five years of your life. Remember what comedian George Carlin said, though:

“But that’s the worst five years of your life.”


Vaughn Stelzenmuller writes as “Rod Walters,” because his long last name won’t fit on a book’s spine. He used to be a U.S. Army officer, then mechanical engineer in industry. Now he writes. Asked if he liked writing, he grumbled, “I don’t know, but I seem to keep doing it, and I’m not going to stop.” He is learning to keep his pen more ready, mind more open, and mouth more shut.

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