“Dear Santa,” by J.D. Harlock

Dec 25th, 2021 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Dear Santa,

Last Christmas, I laid out some (home-made) chocolate chip cookies with a tall glass of (skimmed) milk by the chimney.

I spent the entire day baking them.

Just for you.

I just wanted you to know that.

Not that you would ever notice yourself…

As for the “gift,” the limited-edition Doki Doki! Student Council! figurines you got me for our third anniversary were (slightly) adequate, and I’ve put them to good use by donating them to an orphanage where all other “unwanted” things are tossed aside.

Anyways, you might want to sit down for this.

As a modern woman in our broken world, I have dreams of my own that I must pursue if I’m ever going to be happy. These are dreams you no longer have a place in.

Over the last year, I’ve been mulling over our time together and really asking myself if I want to commit to a long-distance relationship. I’m about to hit double digits, and I’m afraid I’m not getting any younger. I’m sick of having to wait till December to see you, and I’m fed up with the fact that you’ve done nothing about your weight the entire time we’ve been together. You clearly have an eating disorder and seem to be living on a diet entirely made up of cookies and milk! How can we ever go to the beach together if you don’t start dieting?! You even have the gall to demand an entire plate of cookies (chocolate chip, no less) every time you come to visit!

And don’t get me started on your late-night “escapades” to all my friends’ houses. You should be ashamed of yourself. Did you think I wouldn’t know where Layal got her new Lunar Cadet figurine from?!

You got me that last year!

I was flushed!

How could I walk back into that classroom again, knowing that?!

You’ll just hand your little gifts to anyone, won’t you!

I can’t go on with this charade any longer!

I’m too old for these shenanigans, and I think we’ve reached a point in our relationship where it would be best if we went our separate ways. I’m sure that there’s nothing that will help you overcome this great tragedy, but if you try hard enough, you just might be able to move on.

It honestly pains me to break your heart like this, but I just want you to know that this is all your fault, and I’ll hate you forever for it.

And by the way, I’m keeping the gifts. After three years of your nonsense, I think I’ve earned them.


P.S. If you ever do lose that weight, call me! XOXO


J.D. Harlock is a Lebanese writer based in Beirut. His short stories have been featured in The Deadlands, Sciencefictionary, Defenestration, Wyldblood Magazine, and the Decoded Pride Anthology, his poetry has been featured in Penumbric, Mobius, and Black Cat Magazine, and his articles have been featured in Mermaids Monthly, Interstellar Flight Press, and on the SFWA Blog. You can find him on Twitter and Instagram @JD_Harlock.

Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.