“Opening Lines Of Stories That Will Never Be Written,” by Bill Kitcher

Sep 15th, 2021 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

As Lopez stood before the firing squad that bright September morning, he thought about all the paperwork he had left uncompleted.

***

The goiter on Bill’s neck had the consistency of a slightly moldy pumpkin.

***

“Come to my chambers,” said Xara, the 2,000-year-old temptress empress to intrepid explorer Maximilian Wolfsburg over the sounds of advancing troops. “I wish to know more of what you call pasta.”

***

Carla and Isabelle were second cousins who were like sisters, that is, they hated each other.

***

“Lars” is a name that women use when they’re talking about a fake friend or boyfriend. No one has ever been named “Lars”.

***

Doug had a butterfly on his nose that he didn’t notice.

***

“I don’t know what the frig you’re talking about,” said the manicurist to the queen.

***

Captain Johnson propelled himself away from the exploding spacecraft by a well-directed fart.

***

Cedric was unsure what tonsils did so he had them put back.

***

Francesca was a one-year-old who regularly pointed to dogs and said, “doggie”, and her parents couldn’t understand her.

***

The Giants and Jets made a big trade the other day, which wasn’t remarkable until you realized that the teams involved were San Francisco and Winnipeg.

***

On the third day of the construction workers demolishing the house across the street, I finally had to tell them that they had the wrong house.

***

Tim was the only gay man in the country who didn’t have a female friend who wouldn’t shut up.

***

“Sorry I’m late,” said Lloyd, “I got delayed waiting for the elevator in my building.”

“Your building doesn’t have an elevator,” said Jeff.

“I know. That’s why it took such a long time,” said Lloyd.

***

No matter where you go, you’re not somewhere else.

***

Lt. Columbo had me dead to rights about the murder, and showed me all the evidence, but he did that in an empty parking lot, so I shot him.

***

When you scratch your right ear in a certain way, the noise it makes sounds surprisingly like “right ear”, but this is not true of the left ear.

***

I didn’t know how fast hair could go up in flames when I put my lighter up to my ponytail.

***

“Gini, what are you doing to the cat?”

“Well, mom, he was down on the beach, and it was so wet, and he’s just covered, so I’m cleaning his feet.”

“Yes, Virginia, those are sandy claws.”

***

After Reid broke Watson’s wrist giving him an enthusiastic high five following his home run, we thought things couldn’t get any worse until Barnes was crushed to death under the pile of players congratulating him for getting the last out of the game.

***

They discovered Martin’s corpse in his apartment about six weeks after they figured he died. The smell of the decomposing body wasn’t a clue because that’s how Martin smelled all the time.

***

“Your company rents out porta potties, right? How much does one cost?”

“How long do you need it for?”

“Oh, a couple of minutes.”

***

A young couple sitting beside me were obviously in love, and I said to them, “Never marry a woman for her beauty because men will always be hitting on her, and when she gets old, she won’t be beautiful anymore. I see you already took my advice.”

***

A woman on the street asked me if I wanted a free psychic reading. I guess she wasn’t very good.

***

The outgoing president hung his head dejectedly, and said, “The reason more conservatives don’t vote is that they’re too stupid to find the polling station.”

***

My life was really depressing and the only good thing was that I wasn’t Ludwig.

***

Alice was a near-sighted suicidal twin who killed her sister.

***

I deserve a great woman and until one comes along, my wife will do.

***

Sometimes I vacillate, sometimes I don’t.

***

God made Lester to play basketball, but unfortunately, Lester was born in 2nd-century Rome.

***

I preferred having long hair because then I didn’t have to wash my ears.

***

They say smoking marijuana affects your sense of time passing. I don’t know about that. I haven’t smoked a joint in 160 years.

***

I thought I heard voices in my head but it turned out to be the radio.

***

“Never say never?” thundered Professor Wilkins, the eminent physicist. “Ha! Try to completely empty a tube of toothpaste!”

***

I’m a very handsome man. Not many people know that.

***

Carrie told me that I should always trust my instincts, and my instincts told me she was full of crap.

***

At the end of the evening, I told Megan that I’d like to see her again once my sores cleared up.

***

Why do we lie to children? There is no way that a wolf could outsmart three little pigs who are intelligent enough to build houses.

***

I took Marcie for a romantic weekend in Des Moines.

***

Maybe the title of this piece is wrong. Maybe these disparate parts constitute a whole in itself. Maybe they’ve been brought together deliberately by my conscience, or some cosmic force, to serve another purpose. Maybe there is a young person out there, crying in the darkness, shouting into the wind, trying to find answers as a small insignificant speck in an ever-expanding universe. Maybe that young person will make the connections, find hope and meaning in these words, and be spurred on to greatness. Nah…

————

Bill Kitcher has never finished a short story, either writing or reading one. Extracts have recently appeared in Fugitives & Futurists, Inklette, Black Petals, Slippage Lit, and Great Ape, and snippets will be forthcoming in New Contrast, The Bookends Review, The Sirens Call, and Evening Street Review. He has an unfinished pizza in his fridge. He would like to be published in every country in the world so he’s currently learning 589 languages and dialects in order to accomplish that.

Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.