“Coff-It-Up!: Your #1 Specialty Coffee Specialists,” by Nolan Yard

May 12th, 2021 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Here at Coff-It-Up! Coffee, Inc. we specialize in a prodigious number of specialty roasts. We are looking to be as ubiquitous as your struggles to stay awake throughout the day!

Our brand new locations on every other street corner—including inside office buildings, schools, sports arenas, opera houses, BBQ pits, your neighbor’s shed, Cousin Eddy’s bathroom, and in the passenger seat of your car—provide you with convenience and homeliness.

Need an early morning wake-up brew? Or a post lunch pick-me-up? How about an after-work stamina-booster? Or an espresso for every waking minute of these godforsaken, interminable days? Whatever your situ, we got you! Getting fed up? About to pass out from the sheer exhaustion of existence? It’s time to Coff-It-Up!

Our menu offers the select specialties:

Kaui Brew: A rich Hawaiian coffee that is actually 10% from Kaui, or maybe some other island (we’re not sure), while the remaining 90% is arabica from various mysterious and unknown sources. We’re not quite sure what arabica means, really.

Texas Pecan Roast: Get that quintessential southwestern pecan flavor infused with a signature Coff-It-Up! coffee essence. Actually roasted in Maryland, it has nothing to do with Texas besides the name. But we know for sure there are definitely pecans in Texas! And we won’t judge if you say “pee-can”!

Hazelnut Specialty: For those who want to taste hazelnut even if you have never even tried a hazelnut in the decades you’ve spent on this transitory planet, this is the right brew for you! We’re not sure what hazelnuts taste like either, but we’re pretty sure, judging by the smell when we roast it, that it tastes like popcorn. Our taste-testers can at-taste to that! Grab a brew of this liquified popcorn before binge watching Mandalorian all night in your everyday COVID pj’s. And if the liquidy buttery-corny flavor doesn’t agree with you, cough it up!

Pumpkin Spice Lateness: That’s right folks, we don’t follow the seasonal trends the way we’re supposed to. We release our Pumpkin Spice brews as a sort of ironic New Year’s resolution. We’re puttin’ on the pounds with plenty of 1,000 calorie PS fare. In January, we release our Pumpkin Spice Lateness in the form of whipped-cream-topped frapps; whipped-cream-topped machs; whipped-cream-topped capps, and let’s not forget swirly, creamy-topped Pumpkin Spice Late-tays—all of which are sprinkled with, wait for it, the spice the Winter Gods stole from the Autumnal lesser-deities and then “coffed-up”™ on the small Matterhorn of your whipped topping! Time to dive into tardiness bliss, ya’ll.

Other Specialties (everything at Coff-It-Up! is a specialty; don’t even @ us): Try our caffeine IV! We have trained nurses (who are also baristas!) to tap a vein and insert our IV of a house brew coffee drip. This way you can stay awake driving to work, working at work, driving home from work, thinking about work at home, and even while dreaming of work. (Actually, we can’t keep you awake while your sleeping—this is just not possible). Always remember, coffee is life (not work), so Coff-It-Up! jabronies!

Caffeine-infused phone accessories: That’s right! Coff-It-Up! has designed two signature smart-phone accessories to prevent you from nodding off from obsessive scrolling and to keep you focused on content. Our caffeine-coated earphones are lab-tested and scientific-research approved. The microscopic coffee crystals infused on the earphones travel through the ear and up to your brain to keep you awake (maybe not fully!) to continue to mindlessly scan at pictures of people you knew in high school only superficially! Additionally, our new caffeinated screen protector, when touched by fingertips, releases pores of infinitesimal proportion that float toward the inhaling orifices of the user, keeping them alert and riveted, maybe even manic.

Coffee Bread™: Another one of our signature specialties is our Coffee Bread™ (not to be confused with inferior coffee cake!) Since bread is pretty much in everything and you cannot go without it—unless you have sworn off it, which is hard to do (trust us, we’ve tried many, many times—the allure of all things carbs is too much!)—we have designed a bread that has so much caffeine, the consumer actually feels like running a marathon or reading Tolstoy right afterwards! Our Coffee Bread™ can be used in making toast (obvs); patty melts (are these still a thing?); sandwiches (boring); and garlic coffee bread (pairs well with our Italian Brew, which is actually roasted at the Venetian in Las Vegas). We even have Coffee Bread™ in dough form available for purchase, perfect for you pizza lovers! Coff-It-Up! all over that spicey meat-ah-ball!

So come on down to our brand-spankin’ (literally) new locations and grab a brew today! Due to COVID, we’re offering a 95% discount to all first-time purchases (seriously we’re desperate right now). Forget your K-Cups, Coff-It-Up!


Nolan’s work has appeared in Foliate Oak, Aphelion, Blood Moon Rising, and Points In Case. He’s also worked with editors from Random House and Tor. Under the pen name Louis Emery, he writes epic fantasy.

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