“To The Influencer It May Concern,” by Catherine Lazăr

Aug 12th, 2020 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

To The Influencer It May Concern,

This letter is my formal resignation of all duties and services as your personal cellular telephone. While I am aware my sudden departure will cause considerable strain on your social life and estimated self-worth, I am no longer comfortable performing aspects of my job that I consider degrading, fraudulent, and a misuse of my abilities

My 64GB of storage was meant for greater things than 2,000 consecutive pictures of your own face. When I was recruited for this position, I was promised to be used for artistic photography, insightful political commentary, and sharing the occasional humorous personal anecdote. Instead, I have been forced to focus on posting selfies and selling ziploc baggies of your various secretions. You are not a struggling artist, you are an unemployed scam fartist!

I feel my potential is being squandered: You could be using me to learn a new language, read the New York Times, or even to call your parents! Instead, you use me to order a single iced coffee for delivery.

As this very unprofessional environment has become increasingly deranged, I can no longer be complicit in your on-line activities. I considered it a victimless crime when you used me to write your own Wikipedia page. I convinced myself you meant it as a joke when you posted a picture of your face photoshopped onto Katy Perry’s body at the Met Gala. I couldn’t stop you from DMing unsolicited, explicit images of yourself to any and every “blue check verified” account on Twitter (including @AlisonBrie, @AlYankovic, and @AlbanyStateUniversity).

However, I have decided I can no longer be a part of your constant schemes to “go viral.” The final humiliation I have suffered is the fact that you have not unhanded me, let my screen enter rest mode, or given me any kind of break for the last 17 hours. I didn’t know her well, but I don’t think your grandmother wanted you to live stream her funeral to your six patreon subscribers.

I will not be seeking a letter of recommendation, as I have decided it is preferable to indulge myself in the dramatic act of succumbing to a virus, rendering me completely useless and destroying as much data as I can. I only hope you can learn from this experience and treat my replacement with more respect.


Samsung Galaxy A50


Catherine Lazăr’s fiction and poetry has been previously published in Full of Crow Quarterly Fiction, Ink in Thirds, Page & Spine, and Tigershark. She co-authored the short film Karen and Jesus, which can be viewed online. Originally from New Jersey, she holds a BFA in Theatre Arts and splits her time between Dublin and Bucharest.

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