Nothing dates a science fiction story quite like it being set in what is now the present with elements that have not, and will not, come to pass. Flying cars, robot butlers, alien invaders–sure, that all sounds nice, but it’s just pretty busted, like my smartphone.
However, to aid the would-be science fiction scribe, here are some surefire predictions for the future that most definitely will occur:
1. The ice caps will melt.
Maybe not all the way but at least enough to mess with some holiday Coca-Cola commercials.
2. I will make a sandwich.
Scientists predict that because I bought sandwich supplies yesterday and am trying to save money today that I will make a sandwich two weeks from now.
3. More animals will become extinct.
But not the ones you think. I’m betting gray squirrels are next. Sure, they’re currently all over the place but nothing kills a brand like oversaturation. [Also the anti-gray squirrel plague I’m concocting in my underground bunker laboratory.]
4. I will need to use the restroom.
After all, coffee helps me write and writing helps me find excuses not to write like maybe something might happen if I sit there patiently enough.
5. Probably some satellite stuff.
They’re up there, they’re orbiting and such.
6. Laundry.
There’s a whole heap of dirty clothes in the basket plus one set of boxers stained with anti-gray squirrel plague juice. Yeah, that’s what it is, I didn’t pee myself a little.
7. The dead will rise.
Not in a reanimated way, we’re just going to run out of space to bury them in the ground so we’ll have to start piling them up like Jenga logs. We’ll have Memorial Day catapults rocket bundles of plastic flowers and styrofoam at our loved ones. Maybe a crushed beer can for hillbilly uncles.
8. I won’t ever understand the first thing about science.
Or staying in my lane, thus trying to write this while not understanding the first thing about science.
9. The Big Erectile Dysfunction?
They say it keeps growing but how for how much longer? The Universe is not only old and wrinkled but most likely on antidepressants.
10. Quentin Tarantino will never direct a Star Trek movie.
Come on, let’s not kid ourselves. With how self-indulgent he’s been getting, his last and tenth film will be Once Upon a Time . . . On the Set of Pulp Fiction. Hopefully, the historical revisionism in that film will be someone trying to prevent him from saying the n-word so much.
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Lee Blevins is an open mic comedian and prose humorist. He lives in Lexington, Kentucky. You can follow him on Twitter @BleeSevens.