“In Defense of My New Girlfriend, A Cannibal,” by G.G. Russey

Jul 22nd, 2020 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Hello everyone,

You’ve all voiced concerns about my new girlfriend, Jules. While I appreciate your desire to insinuate yourselves into my personal business, I can assure you that Jules is amazing.

I’ll admit, I didn’t know she was a cannibal at first. She doesn’t like to use that word because of how society has stigmatized it. Her profile said she was an anthropophagist, which I thought meant she was a professor or something. We both had a good laugh about that.

You all seem convinced that she’s a terrible person (for the record, shouting “murderer” at someone is not conducive to open dialogue, David), but she’s actually really sweet—we have a great time together. She showed me a movie the other night called Ravenous, which was surprisingly progressive for the ’90s (even if much of it was lost on audiences). It was sort of like a romantic comedy version of Brokeback Mountain, but set in the 1840s and with more cannibalism. Sorry—with more anthropophagy.

I talked to her early on about the food thing. When I suggested it was unnatural, that we shouldn’t eat our own species, she started to strangle me. “See?” she asked, as black spots dotted my vision. “Human hands are perfectly sized for human necks.” You can’t argue with evolution, right?

Some of you have voiced concerns that I’ll start eating people too, but that’s not going to happen.

Okay, well—two weeks ago, Jules invited me over to her family’s house to have dinner. I was going to say I didn’t eat that kind of stuff, but then Jules said her parents were excited to meet me and had spent hours making something special. What was I supposed to do? I mean, I didn’t want to be rude.

Also, Emre—I’m sorry your friends didn’t have a good time when they came over to hang out with Jules and me the other night. I honestly thought she’d said she was going to make cabbage soup. I know you thought they were nice, but if I’m being honest, the Babbages said some really unkind things to Jules and were also kind of stringy.

Think of it this way: A bunch of you always make a big deal about buying free-range/cage-free stuff. Jules only ever eats wild game—you can’t get any more free-range! I asked her if she ever ate people that had been kept in cages, and she said no way—she knew some people that did that, but she never would. Like I keep trying to tell you, she’s a super-ethical person.

Ben and Ursula—that new leather jacket of mine you were admiring the other day? The one without any seams? Jules made it for me as a one-month anniversary gift. I admit, I felt a little weird wearing it when I realized where it came from, but then she was like, “He’s already dead. Not wearing the jacket won’t do him any favors. It’ll just waste a jacket.” And you know what? She was right, and the jacket fits me perfectly. The nipples are a little weird, but I’m hoping it’ll start a trend.

I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a long time, so please just be happy for me. I also think I’m having a positive influence on her. Today I suggested this Meatless Mondays thing I heard about. She seemed pretty annoyed at first, but then we talked it out and she said she’d try it this Monday! And, to show there were no hard feelings, she invited me over for dinner tonight.

Speaking of which, I’d better get going. She said she needs me there by 5:00 so she can get dinner on the table by 7:00.



G.G. Russey may be found skulking in the shadows of Seattle’s libraries.

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