“Now You’re Talking My Language,” by Charles Pastoor

Mar 11th, 2020 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

You remember that weekend you decided to build your partner a dining room set inspired by the work of William Morris? How you went to the National Gallery to do archival research and found the original designs? There were the ladderback chairs made of oak that you cut down and milled yourself and the rush seats you taught yourself to weave. And the reformed gothic style table you knocked together, the one with mahogany and walnut inlays—you were pretty sure he was going to flip when he saw it. Especially since he was always quoting Ruskin and going on and on about the glories of the arts and crafts movement.

So you were surprised at his tepid response and more than a little hurt. Truth is you even considered dumping his ungrateful little ass right then and there. But then he explained that he’d been reading Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages and that his wasn’t “receiving gifts.” It’s “words of affirmation.”

You’ll never make that mistake again with the new love-language learning app CincoLingoAmore, the app that doesn’t just help you figure out your partner’s love language; it’ll make you sound like a native speaker.

People act like learning a love language is easy. Your partner only feels loved through “acts of service”? Just do it. Just do the damn dishes! But learning a love-language can be hard—just as hard as learning an actual language. Ever tried to teach yourself Mandarin? That’s nothing compared to the challenges you might face trying to master the intricacies of “quality time.” Fortunately, you can learn the vocabulary, grammar, morphology, and syntax of any love language using CincoLingoAmore.

But that isn’t all. Each language has its own unique dialects and subdialects. Spanish has ten, and you wouldn’t want to chat up an Andalusian in Castilian. So consider the challenges you might face trying to master one of the thirty-two different regional dialects of “physical touch.” It isn’t enough to know your partner’s love language; you have to be familiar with her colloquialisms. You might think she’s looking for a little “slap and/or tickle”, but what if she just wants you to fondle her earlobes? CincoLingoAmore will help you avoid the kind of well-meaning miscommunication that can jeopardize relationships.

CincoLingoAmore doesn’t just provide exercises that will help you master the language of your choice; Our team of philologists will also keep you up-to-date on love-linguistic developments. For example, they predict that by 2038, “words of affirmation” will go the way of Latin—in pace requiescat! But they are also tracking the possible emergence of new languages, such as “getting a vasectomy” and “not leaving your pants inside out in front of the toilet.” Humans are evolving beings, and the things that make them feel loved are changing as well.

Our sponsors keep CincoLingoAmore’s lessons free, and you’ll be able to learn your partner’s love language at your own pace. Studies have shown that thirty-two hours on CincoLingoAmore can save you up to fifteen hours of couples counseling. Does the thought of spending fifteen hours in couples counseling make you feel vaguely suicidal? Then CincoLingoAmore could do more than save your relationship. It could save your life.


Customer Reviews

*** CincoLingoAmore made learning my wife’s love language fun and easy. After three months, I have mastered conversational “acts of service.” And now that she’s moving out, I’m even helping with the packing.

***** I’ve been learning to speak “receiving gifts” with the CincoLingoAmore app. I recently bought my boyfriend Tidying Up with Marie Kondo and a subscription to Real Simple. He acts like he’s not going to read them, but .

******** My husband’s love language is “physical touch,” but I keep pretending I don’t know it. I also enjoy tricking him into thinking I don’t speak English. No hable ingles ni ell tacto físico, Senor!

* The only reason I got this app was so I could figure out how to swear at my damn partner in his love language, but I was never able to unlock the Profanity Level. The HELL with it.


Charles Pastoor teaches college English somewhere in the middle of America.

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