“What Should I Wear to the Revolution?” by Abigail King

Jan 8th, 2020 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

There will be no Revolution, man.  The world has already ended twice, once at the invention of the steam engine then again with the A-Bomb.  All that follows will simply be the unfolding of the inevitable consequences of our shitty behavior.

The Revolution is Freegan!!!  Dress accordingly.

Something hermaphroditic; maybe channel the Elders from Midsommar, which should actually be subtitled “A Template for Getting on With Our Bidness, Post-Apocalyptic-Style”.

Adult diapers.  Like space travel and cross country road trips, the Revolution will take a long time.  Be ready!

Who has time for a Revolution?  I just joined this co-working space and I’m starting a podcast; also, my pet rabbit needs jaw surgery, and I’ve picked up the cowbells, and my craft fermented lingonberry juice side business is finally starting to feel real.  Please!

Whatever you looted from the Michael Kors, babe.

The Revolution will be beautiful; we should dress beautifully.  The Revolution cares deeply about our planet and its people.  We must make conscious decisions; you know, that whole butterfly thing.  The Revolution suggests organic, New Zealand-grown cotton garments dyed with colors extracted from discarded produce, woven by former sex workers, blessed during an ayuhuasca ceremony and delivered by canoe and electric bike.  Sure, you’ll pay more, but after the Revolution your money will be worthless, so why not spend it now?  Don’t forget the mandala beads!

A blue coat, white waistcoat and a tricorn hat.  Breeches, stockings and whatever the cordwainer hath wrought from his well-neat leather.  Mind you take your musket, your haversack and your canteen, lads.  Bonnetts for the ladies, and biggins for the babies.

Um, right.  Tricorns aside, it really is all about the headwear, so choose your adventure!  The Budenovka is fetching, though cooler climates may call for a Papakha.  You can’t go wrong with a beret, of course–  a no-brainer (no beret-ner, get it?).  Mao Caps flatter most head shapes.  An Algerian Hayek provides coverage not just for the head but the entire body, freeing one to stop worrying about what to wear and just get down to Revolutioning.  Sombreros are a smart option for those sufferring beneath our depleted ozone layer; avoid skin cancer and live to see the results of the global uprising, while getting in touch with your inner Pancho Villa!  The Fez, kids…. think Rumi.  Lastly, a basic black ski mask certainly carries a rich precedent, especially for those with a Revolutionary focus on redistribution of wealth via armed robbery.

If you have to ask, then you didn’t get the memo–  which means we’re coming for you.  So, snuggle up in your favorite PJs, grab a six pack and the remote, go ahead and eat that whole bag of chips or pint of ice cream.  Or gallon.  Or both.  Have you already binge watched all of Season Three?  Watch it again; you know you want to.  And if you drift off to sleep in a beer/food/television coma, that’s okay.  It’s better that way.  Sweet dreams, bourgeoise, sweet dreams.


Abigail King is a yoga teacher, poet and baker of tarts in Austin, TX.  This is her first stab at humor writing, and she is very happy to be Defenestrated!

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