“Welcome to the Asshole Upstairs Association,” by Meggie Gates

Oct 16th, 2019 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Mr. Business
Asshole Upstairs Association Inc.
6969 Dickhead Dr.
Manhattan, NY 10012
Aug 14, 2019

Unlikeable Person
666 Make Everyone’s Life Hell St.
Manhattan, NYC 10057

Dear Unlikeable Person,


You’ve been accepted to the Asshole Upstairs Association! You are now a part of one of the largest growing populations in the world. This elite group of dick heads have been chosen as some of the shittiest, most inconsiderate people in the world. If you have no idea how your actions affect people, welcome home! The other 700,834 members of this society don’t understand that, either!

You’re here because you’re blissfully unaware of your surroundings, and we applaud you for that! At the Asshole Upstairs Association, we understand how hard it is to live in an apartment complex with many different people, and we want to help you explore your asshole-capabilities to their greatest limits.

Enclosed is an itinerary covering your weekly activities. You do not have to abide by the times written down, as this syllabus is convenient for you and you alone. Creativity is highly encouraged, go wild! Drop a bowling ball, dumbbell, or baby, at whatever time you prefer. We don’t give a fuck! In fact, that’s our motto:

“We don’t give a fuck!”

If needed, use these as a crutch. A sort of steroid to becoming a bigger jerk than your muscles. Just remember, at the end of the day, have fun, have a drink, and most importantly,

Have no regard for other people.


Monday: Move in day! If you’re new to the complex, let us extend a welcome on behalf of the neighbors you won’t bother getting to know. Don’t worry putting together any of your furniture at a respectable time. Take a nap! Slam your body on the hardwood floor like a bag of bricks and snooze it off! You’ve had a long day. If your downstairs neighbor thinks you’re dead, they will be happily reassured when you snore loud enough to shake the ceiling.

Once awake, unpack and drill together that desk with 500 parts to it at 2 A.M. What a universally acceptable time for some manual labor! Hell, why stop with the desk, you probably have a table and bed to put together too. Get that drill out and start whirring, boy!


You’re probably too tired to wakeup after all that furniture you’ve been building. Too bad for you, cause your friends are in town and they want to partayyyyy! Come on, dude! They’re sneaking Budlight on to the beach? Where are you? We’ve called you fifty times and your phones on loud. Haven’t you heard it? I mean, it’s REALLY loud.

Of course, you’re too busy sleeping! Busy you. You’ve been up all night working your ass off. You probably don’t even have time to respond! Get that phone as far away from you as possible. Put it on the floor near your bed so if anything truly important comes up, it’s close by, but not too close. Put it on vibrate so your downstairs neighbor will know how many friends you have by the five million texts you receive. Man, you’ll look so cool.

On Wednesdays, we wear pink!

And watch this movie on loud at least fifteen separate times.


Scream and bang your fists on the wall. Thursday is a day dedicated to being as loud as humanly possible, so expect to be doing a lot of stomping around in what may appear to be steel boots. If you feel your feet getting tired, put them on your hands and bang the floor really hard. When plates shatter, let them. It’s loud as fuck Thursday. It’s a sign you’re doing a good job.


Keep in mind this is the start of the weekend. These next few days are a free for all. Duct tape yourself to the ceiling and drop lamps on the floor. Matter of fact, cut a hole in the floor and put a screaming baby over it so when the resident below looks up, all he sees are a small pair of wailing lungs. Move your dresser to 30 different locations. Whatever you do, do it big.


Its finally here, the day to face the consequences of your repercussions. Saturday, otherwise known as:

Breakup day.

Now, as we have established, you are an asshole with no regard for other people. Judging by this character analysis, you have probably done something to fuck up the only good thing going for you. Jessica, why! Do we have to fight like this EVERY week? You know I’m not going to change my behavior just like I know you’ve grown comfortable accepting how terrible I am. Come on, babe. Don’t leave.

Let out a good cry today. Get a glass of wine and take a bath. You can’t drown in cold water, so make sure to run the tub in hour intervals to assure the water’s always hot. Leaking may occur underneath you, but that’s not your problem to deal with. You have other, more important things on your agenda, like getting Jessica back. Why Jessica, why?!

After you’re done with your 7-hour bath, call people so they can console you for being a big, dumb baby. They’ve heard this conversation before, but they’re sure to sit through it again. You may feel alone during your 24-hour breakup, since Jessica isn’t there to moan and make your bed creak, but soon, you won’t be. Put your friend on speaker to destroy your neighbor’s will to live after the short break you’ve given from your weird sex noises (neighing?)


Wow! Makeshift gym day! The last day of the week for you to be the most annoying piece of shit ever. Really make this one count.

6 A.M. is a as good as ever to start the day with some heavy lifting. And when I say heavy, I mean heavy. Lifting two 50lb dumbbells is for babies. Instead, lift something with the density of a meat-filled refrigerator. Sunday is game day. You got to get jacked for all the people you’ll be having over for Game of Thrones later tonight.

When your muscles are as big as your ego, stop. Ha! Just kidding! You’ll be lifting for days. Finish whenever you want. As we said earlier, this syllabus, and everything else, is convenient for you and you alone.

People may try to take off their shoes at the door when they come to your party, but you should strongly encourage them not to. In fact, you should equip your closet with a plethora of metal boots to give to them so they may stop around at their leisure. Spice it up! Give every person one heel and one boot. It sure will be fun, and confusing, for everyone in the apartment below yours.

There you have it! A comprehensive guide to being the worst floor-mate a person could ever have. If you would like to join the Asshole Upstairs Association, simply fill out the attached form and mail it back to the address printed at the top of this letter. Or don’t. It doesn’t matter. As we said earlier,

“We don’t give a fuck!”


The Asshole Upstairs Association


Meggie Gates is a contributor at Reductress and Little Village in Iowa City. They perform comedy around Chicago when they’re not busy chasing stray dogs. They’ve been writing for what feels like a thousand years. They’ll (probably) be writing for a few thousand more. Catch other work of theirs, here.

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