Me too! OMFG that exact thing happened to me this one time, it’s EXACTLY like your thing, I swear, it’s so CRAZY that we both have your thing going on. #twinning!

Have you tried yoga/essential oils/positive thinking/negative thinking/naturopathy/psychotherapy/chiropractic/acupuncture/meditation/fasting/dieting/cleansing/antibiotics/probiotics/micro-dosing/CBD/MSG/electric shock therapy? Are you sure? Really? I guess all those experts on the Internet know nothing about your EXTRA SPECIAL condition then… (skeptical frowny face)

Well, at least… your house hasn’t fallen into a sinkhole/your kids haven’t been kidnapped into the sex trade/your arms haven’t been blown off by a land mine/you don’t have to eat through a straw for the rest of your life/you’re not on Tinder. Really, you have it pretty good, all things considered. #blessed

Let me tell you about the worst-fucking-case scenario of your thing that happened to somebody else who is a complete stranger to you, such as my crazy Uncle Bob/this blogger/the person who sat next to me on the bus. It’s so bad it’ll give you hives just hearing about it!! They were deported/mugged/raped/decapitated/buried alive/thrown off a cliff PLUS the teeny thing you have going on.

Are you better yet? How about now? Now? Now? Are we there yet?

You’re doing it wrong. You aren’t praying enough/relaxing enough/working out enough/projecting enough positive thoughts into the universe—and that’s why your body is practically wasting away in front of me, unlike my own tanned Crossfit bod that I posed for my million Instagram followers on my latest beach vacay. Put on a sweatshirt, will ya?

Here’s a wisdom nugget I’ve condensed from my vast life experience: it’s not about you, ya filthy narcissist! DO YOU KNOW THAT CHILDREN ARE STARVING IN AFRICA while you waste your breath complaining about your FIRST-WORLD PROBLEM?! Seriously, their emaciated bodies are being forced to march into battle in a pair of flimsy Toms booties in order to shoot guns at their mothers’ faces. How do you think your thing compares to that, sunshine? And now I’m going to take a long sip of my foamy Starbucks cappuccino to give you a chance to feel TERRIBLE about yourself.

You aren’t contagious, right? I’m actually having a panic attack RIGHT NOW from breathing the same negative air as you. Who can stand any more irresolution in the world?! Stop depressing me with YOUR THING!

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Have you seen this kitten meme?

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Liz Charlotte Grant has a degree in creative writing and has published essays across the internet, including at Mothers Always Write, Neutrons Protons, and Dappled Things (forthcoming). She is currently writing a literary memoir about going blind in one eye. She gardens and cooks fanatically in Denver, where she lives with her husband and two children. Keep up with her on Instagram @LizCharlotteGrant or at LizCharlotteGrant.com.