“Fix Your Chronically Ill Friends in 99 Words or Less,” by Liz Charlotte Grant

Jul 3rd, 2019 | By | Category: Nonfiction, Prose

Me too! OMFG that exact thing happened to me this one time, it’s EXACTLY like your thing, I swear, it’s so CRAZY that we both have your thing going on. #twinning!

Have you tried yoga/essential oils/positive thinking/negative thinking/naturopathy/psychotherapy/chiropractic/acupuncture/meditation/fasting/dieting/cleansing/antibiotics/probiotics/micro-dosing/CBD/MSG/electric shock therapy? Are you sure? Really? I guess all those experts on the Internet know nothing about your EXTRA SPECIAL condition then… (skeptical frowny face)

Well, at least… your house hasn’t fallen into a sinkhole/your kids haven’t been kidnapped into the sex trade/your arms haven’t been blown off by a land mine/you don’t have to eat through a straw for the rest of your life/you’re not on Tinder. Really, you have it pretty good, all things considered. #blessed

Let me tell you about the worst-fucking-case scenario of your thing that happened to somebody else who is a complete stranger to you, such as my crazy Uncle Bob/this blogger/the person who sat next to me on the bus. It’s so bad it’ll give you hives just hearing about it!! They were deported/mugged/raped/decapitated/buried alive/thrown off a cliff PLUS the teeny thing you have going on.

Are you better yet? How about now? Now? Now? Are we there yet?

You’re doing it wrong. You aren’t praying enough/relaxing enough/working out enough/projecting enough positive thoughts into the universe—and that’s why your body is practically wasting away in front of me, unlike my own tanned Crossfit bod that I posed for my million Instagram followers on my latest beach vacay. Put on a sweatshirt, will ya?

Here’s a wisdom nugget I’ve condensed from my vast life experience: it’s not about you, ya filthy narcissist! DO YOU KNOW THAT CHILDREN ARE STARVING IN AFRICA while you waste your breath complaining about your FIRST-WORLD PROBLEM?! Seriously, their emaciated bodies are being forced to march into battle in a pair of flimsy Toms booties in order to shoot guns at their mothers’ faces. How do you think your thing compares to that, sunshine? And now I’m going to take a long sip of my foamy Starbucks cappuccino to give you a chance to feel TERRIBLE about yourself.

You aren’t contagious, right? I’m actually having a panic attack RIGHT NOW from breathing the same negative air as you. Who can stand any more irresolution in the world?! Stop depressing me with YOUR THING!

Have you seen this kitten meme?


Liz Charlotte Grant has a degree in creative writing and has published essays across the internet, including at Mothers Always Write, Neutrons Protons, and Dappled Things (forthcoming). She is currently writing a literary memoir about going blind in one eye. She gardens and cooks fanatically in Denver, where she lives with her husband and two children. Keep up with her on Instagram @LizCharlotteGrant or at LizCharlotteGrant.com.

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