“@ChefNipsNips,” by Randal Eldon Greene

Apr 20th, 2019 | By | Category: Fiction, Prose

(^ヮ^)   Hey YouTube! Guess what today is? It’s murumple day!

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Sweet. I love murumples.

(^ヮ^)   We’ll be making them with Turtle Surprise sprinkles! Toss me the sprinkles. Oh. My. God. Aren’t they so cute?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Ha ha. Some look like little penises. Like little weenie penises.

(^ヮ^)   Weenies are penises.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Eenie weenies.

(^ヮ^)   Weenies! Weenies!

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Penises.

(^ヮ^)   Ha ha! Weenie penises.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Oh, man.

(^ヮ^)   Back to the murumple.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Murumple day. Woot.

(^ヮ^)   But first, don’t forget to like and subscribe. Okay, so to start what you want to do is take some milp—like a whole one pound bag. Dump it into a cermenitated bowl. You’ll want cermenitated because we’ll be making this murumple in a platinko-mot. Now you want to add about a cup of dry flabdoor. Just sort of whisk it gently around until your mixture turns a sort of cinnamon brown. Next you’ll add three cups of canola oil and just a fourth cup of markenook. Stir it all in and then let it stand for about five minutes until it rotitates completely, which you’ll know if it’s rotitated because when you tap it you’ll get no smoog back whatsoever.

While we wait for this to rotitate, let me tell you about our undergarment club. We’ve got all kinds of undergarments. Join the club and you’ll get a new undergarment piece every month. We got Chef Nip’s Nips branded stuff like bras and jockstraps. Something new every month. Like it could be anything. Corsets, adult diapers, concealed weapons. Anything. Absolutely anything you would wear under your clothes. I don’t . . . I don’t even know who picks out this stuff. Do you?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   I don’t—

(^ヮ^)   Because you’re the producer, so maybe—

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   It’s not . . . ask Steve.

(^ヮ^)   You know maybe . . . I thought you would know.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Yeah, no clue.

(^ヮ^)   All right. Let’s see how our murumple in the making is going. Oh, it’s really, really rotitated. Just watch me tap that. Oh yeah.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Yeah, tap it.

(^ヮ^)   Tap. Tap. Tap.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   That’s sexy.

(^ヮ^)   Fuck yeah, let me tap that.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Tap it harder.

(^ヮ^)   See, no smoog.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   No. No smoog. Not a bit of smoog in that baby.

(^ヮ^)   Now what you’ll want to do is take a syringe and add an anaperfontent solution to it. I pre-prepared my solution, and I suggest you do the same. In mine there’s squinch, moodle, cinnamon, and barton-G. Of course, you could also add hopner or bedezzelum, or use nintspoop instead of cinnamon. But I like things simple. We’ll be making a future episode on anaperfontents, so don’t forget to click the little bell to get notifications. Our anaperfontent episode is one you’re not gonna want to miss.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   For today though you can google about any anaperfontent solution and use it.

(^ヮ^)   Yeah, although I don’t think I’d use an indento-based anaperfontent. Too anky.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Oh yeah, way too anky for a murumple.

(^ヮ^)   Inject your syringe right in the top like that. While you wait, you’ll have just enough time to sign up for the Chef Nip’s Nips cooking class. A link to the class is in the description below. I’ll teach you to make rendecks, pistonos, cupcakes, and more. So, so much more. It costs like 197. Right?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Right.

(^ヮ^)   And for the rest of the month, sign up with the promo code nipsnipsclamps58008 and you’ll get a free digital copy of my best-selling book Nip’s Nips Bites, where I give you the recipes you need to feed the inner-fat kid in you or the fat kid you are in real life, which is okay. I mean, I love fat kids. I’m skinny myself, but I identify as a fat kid. I was born to be a fat kid, not a skinny kid. But sign up and you’ll get the book.

Okay, now for the most important part in my opinion. It’s what makes a murumple a murumple and not like an inferior dorth-flump or a soggy smoomp. We’re going to drape this baby with . . . Can I get a drum roll?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Drum’s rolling.

(^ヮ^)   Fimpers!

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   It’s all about the Fimpers.

(^ヮ^)   Fimpers! Fimpers! Draping on the fimpers! Woohoo!

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Making my mouth water.

(^ヮ^)   You want some very light brown ones. They shouldn’t be chalky. Your fimpers are ideally a quarter inch thick. Too thin and your murumple won’t be moist. Too thick and your murumple won’t get done all the way. Fimpers are where a lot of people mess up on an otherwise good murumple. That’s why . . . It’s like I said: Fimpers make the murumple.

Just lay them on there like that, and if you haven’t already, don’t forget to hit that like and subscribe button. See? Real simple. Lay them nice and flat. No wrinkles.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   That’s beautiful.

(^ヮ^)   Once you’ve got them all on there, set your platinko-mot to Delta-66. What’s the European mot conversion?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   I think it’s, uh, m-45.

(^ヮ^)   Well, if you’re in Europe, you’ll want to convert Delta-66 to the European mot equivalent.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Yeah, you don’t want to burn your murumple.

(^ヮ^)   Oh, for sure. Burnt murumple—gross!

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Bleck.

(^ヮ^)   Again, make sure you’re using a cermenitated bowl, and then set your murumple on the wire warckles. Bolt the door. Hit the vacuuater button to start motting the air in the platinko-mot with super smarks. If you don’t do that . . . I mean, it’s really the point of a platinko-mot.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   You know, I once was trying to surprise my wife by making a snarpple, and I forgot to hit the vacuuater on my platinko-mot.

(^ヮ^)   Oh my God, how’d that turn out?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   My snarpple tasted more like a darn-dill.

(^ヮ^)   Yeah, it probably would, wouldn’t it?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   But like a gross and grainy one. Like a darn-dill full of sandy . . . full of chunks of sandiness.

(^ヮ^)   Eww. Gross.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Totally.

(^ヮ^)   Which is why you want to hit that vacuuater, but not before you BOLT. THAT. DOOR. Or you might die.

Okay, set your timer for forty-five minutes. While that’s cooking, I want to tell you that today’s episode of Chef Nip’s Nips is brought to you by Galaxicon-nom-nom, the only cookies packed with a galaxy of flavor. You can taste all of the stars and all of the interstellar dust and gas and stuff. Using the latest in interstellar scent capture technology, Galaxicon-nom-nom has captured the scent of the Milky Way—not the candy bar, but like the actual Milky Way Galaxy that we’re a part of  and . . . and they’ve packed it in a cookie. You’re like tasting aliens and shit. It’s really fucked up, but really good too.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   It tastes like my wife.

(^ヮ^)   Wha . . . What’s that?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   It tastes like pumpkin seeds. Like the one I had tasted exactly like oven-roasted pumpkin seeds.

(^ヮ^)   Maybe your taste buds are broken. I mean, it’s got every conceivable flavor.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Maybe pumpkin seeds taste like everything.

(^ヮ^)   Oh, I didn’t think of that.

Galaxicon-nom-nom, worlds of flavor packed in a cookie. Go to Galaxicon-nom-nom.cookie/NipsNipsTwists to sign up for their cookie club and get a free box of limited edition Near Neighbor-flavored cookies, packed full of the intergalactic flavors of the Andromeda Galaxy.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   All right. You think that murumple’s done?

(^ヮ^)   Let’s go take a look because it’s murumple day!

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Murumples in the house.

(^ヮ^)   Oh, look at that; a beautiful golden brown exterior.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Simply gorgeous.

(^ヮ^)   Now to decorate it. We’re going to be using plastic whipners to frost this baby. For frosting, I’ve got a homemade holicimo recipe that we covered in a previous video. Link in the description.

All right, just slowly move your whipner in a downward motion like that. This whipner here is available at the online store. You can find all kinds of cooking stuff endorsed by me, Chef Nip, at the Chef Nip’s Nips store in the link below. We’ve got whipners, aprons, pans, rolling pins, digles, and all sorts of crap. Crap you need to be a fully prepared chef. 

Almost done frosting the murumple.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Couldn’t you also use a knife instead of a whipner?

(^ヮ^)   I suppose.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Or a spatula?

(^ヮ^)   Yeah. Anyway, it’s time to sprinkle the murumple.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Sprinkle time.

(^ヮ^)   Heck . . . Heck yeah. Going to take our Turtle Surprise sprinkles and just sprinkle the shit out of it.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   It’s like little turtles and little penis turtles.

(^ヮ^)   It’s penis turtle time! You can use whatever kind of sprinkles you want. Magical Unicorn sprinkles, Ancient Alchemy sprinkles, little human-shaped sprinkles. Penis ones. Whatever. Everyone knows that they’re just decorative. Sprinkles are probably the most flavorless candies in the world.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   The absolute worst.

(^ヮ^)   Yeah, they suck. You don’t even really need them. It just kind of, you know, makes your murumple look better.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   They’re purely aesthetic.

(^ヮ^)   And that’s why you don’t normally see a murumple without sprinkles. It’d be just kind of bland for the eyes. Monotone color or whatever.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   So it makes sprinkles a kind of eye candy.

(^ヮ^)   Yeah, you can think of it as eye candy.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Not tongue candy.

(^ヮ^)   No ‘cause it’s like nearly flavorless really. Speaking of flavor, it’s time to dig in. Mmm, so good. That is . . . that is such a good murumple.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Here, let me. Yum, yeah that is.

(^ヮ^)   It’s good.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   Yeah, that’s good.

(^ヮ^)   I hope you enjoyed making a murumple with us today. Don’t forget to subscribe and smash that like button. Find me @ChefNipsNips on like all the social media platforms. See ya next time, Niplings!


Randal Eldon Greene is the author of one short novel and many even shorter stories. He recently completed a collection of fictional dialogues, of which “@ChefNipsNips” is included. He is currently seeking a book publisher for this collection. Greene lives and writes in the boring corner of Iowa, which is admittedly a vast, corn-riddled corner virtually indistinguishable from the rest of the state. His typos are tweeted @AuthorGreene and his website is AuthorGreene.com.  

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