“Warning Label,” by Nan Wigington

Dec 19th, 2018 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Remove child before folding.

Yes, you will be carrying groceries, diapers, wipes, three binkys, and a blanket when asked to fold the Baby Boggler by that annoying bus driver, but please do not leave your child behind at the stop. Though he may extend one hand piteously in an attempt to say goodbye, though he may fall sobbing into a formless heap by the bench, he may also strut away like screw you, mom, I was too old for a stroller anyway. Nobody wants to see that.

Do not use your Baby Boggler on the highway. No matter how strong the cable to your car. No matter how long your child has been crying. This is not the way to lull someone to sleep. Should the cable to your car break and the Boggler careen wildly into traffic, you will be accused of infanticide or attempted infanticide, and we will not be there to help you find a lawyer. Bogglers involved in a major highway accident will not qualify for our conditionally unconditional warranty.

It should be further noted that high speeds may actually excite some children. High speeds have been known to cause delinquency, cigarette addiction, and alcohol abuse. Think of all those years of counseling you can avoid by operating your Boggler at safe and normal speeds.

Do not put your Baby Boggler in any washing machine. Yes, it does fold up into a small, neat ball. Yes, it may have just been puked or pooped upon, but that is why we made the removable blue liners. (Sigh, if you’d only read the assembly instructions!) While we’re at it, don’t put a baby in a washing machine, either. This could cause internal damage. And not just to your top-loading agitator.

Do not operate your Baby Boggler while drunk or asleep. It could cause blurred vision, constipation, decreased sexual desire or ability, diarrhea, dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, headache, increased sweating, loss of appetite, muscle aches, nausea, sore throat, tiredness,trouble sleeping, or vomiting. Bizarre behavior, confusion, excessive sweating and dark urine have also been reported in parents who try to operate their Bogglers while asleep or under the influence.

But what did you expect? Parenthood, in general, can cause fever, chills, hallucinations, heart break, loss of coordination, new or worsening agitation, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, restlessness, and the inability to sit still.

Aren’t you glad you bought a Boggler for your booger? Have fun. Enjoy the ride.


Nan Wigington lives in Denver, Colorado and works as a para-educator in an autism center classroom. After reading about Baby Bogglers, she finds she is very happy to have never had children. Her flash fiction has appeared in Spelk, Pithead Chapel, and Pure Slush (The Lust Edition).

Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.