“Tracy McDonough’s Hostile Takeover,” by Sara Comito

Oct 24th, 2018 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

The Body
dba Tracy McDonough

Body announces hostile takeover bid for Tracy McDonough

EVANSTON, Ill. (May 13, 2018) – In a shocking move following a whirlwind week that featured repeated junkets from Evanston to Chicago (the “Commute”), numerous late-night bottle feedings while her domestic partner (the “Husband) was out of town and three straight evenings of eating leftover baby food out of a jar while huddled defeated over the kitchen sink, a 5-foot-8, 175-pound frame of tired flesh (the “Body”) launched a surprise hostile takeover bid for Tracy McDonough (the “Company”). Details of the bid reveal the Company has been consistently undervalued for at least three decades.

“At its initial public offering in 1984, the Company emerged as a robust player,” said the Body. “It was warm and pink. It laughed. It climbed and ran. Then it was brought into line beside its contemporaries, forced to sit for hours out of the day and supersede its natural rhythms, desires and joys. Injuries, abuse and self-harm ensued.”

Still, the Company was judged resilient in the marketplace and had weathered many ups and downs, including an emergency caesarean, the physical toll of the death of a beloved parent and the excoriation of some ill-advised and grueling cleanse diets, one of which led to a metabolic byproduct-induced depression that was cured after 48 hours by cheeseburger. At 33 years old, the Company is venerable and has surpassed longevity projections, but a shakeup is clearly needed. According to the Body, the Crossfit gym membership was the last straw.

As set forth in the terms of the agreement the Company is to give up the notion of returning to its pre-pregnancy structure, cease accepting advice from fashion magazines, request a flex scheduling solution from higher-ups at the ad agency to mitigate the Commute, eat more fruits and vegetables, swim laps, be present for more of the kids’ milestones and start painting again.

After several weeks of negotiations, the agreement has been modified to resemble more of a merger. The new entity shall retain the name Tracy McDonough.

The Body said, “The Company at some point splintered along departmental lines. The silos have to break down. The left hand and the right hand have to start talking to each other again.”

The Company issued its own short statement indicating, “I was really fucking pissed off at first when the Body asserted its demands. I’ve been running the show since inception, pretty much. But market pressures have changed, and I was able to negotiate some terms that should keep things up and running, if at a slightly slower pace. I’m happy to assume a less active role in day-to-day affairs and gain some flexibility in choosing projects that really matter and will benefit operations and the bottom line in the long run.”

An asset exchange is part of the agreement, but those terms will not be disclosed. The Company will convene its board of directors (comprising heart, brain and several silent partners) for a mini-conference with all stakeholders several times a week, with a special session reserved for the Husband at least once a week or on an as-needed basis. The Body retains the right to retain counsel in the event of a breakdown of the agreement, or to enact other remedial measures such as headache, cold, diarrhea, anxiety, dyspepsia or general malaise. Market watchers can expect the Company to monitor those signs more closely.

About Tracy McDonough
Now working in collaboration with her body, Tracy McDonough was founded more than three decades ago with the mission of doing better than her parents did. It’s been a bumpy road, but she’s well on her way.


Sara Comito is a writer in Fort Myers, Florida, a town that is not pedestrian friendly but has terrific sunsets, if often obstructed-view. We’re especially proud of our flea market. She’s been a poet for many years, and has recently started writing flash fiction. Her work has been published in dozens of nice journals.


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