“Dear Hailee,” by Chris Spies

Oct 3rd, 2018 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Dear Hailee,

I want to congratulate you on your 10-month-and-counting tenure of living in New York City.  Based upon the recent life update posted on Facebook, you have experienced many things in the last 300 days and now consider yourself “a true New Yorker” (Marie, 2018a).  These 300 days don’t take into account the time your spent at your parents for both Thanksgiving (Marie, 2017a) and Christmas (Marie, 2017b) or the photos of you on a beach in Cabo (Marie, 2018b).  That trip lasted eight days, not including flights (Marie, 2018c)(Marie, 2018d) and included a four hour delayed flight on your return trip (Marie, 2018e).

This eight-day trip to Cabo reappears online every Thursday as you in a different style bikini on a beach, paired with the longing statement “TAKE ME BACK” (Marie, 2018f).  Even though you show a need to escape New York on a weekly basis, the other six days of the week prove that you’re extremely happy with your situation (Marie, 2018g) (Marie, 2018h) (Marie, 2018i) (Marie, 2018j) (Marie, 2018k) (Marie, 2018l).  Without your updates, I would forget what the subway was (Marie, 2018m)!

Sometimes, I need a pick-me-up in my day-to-day life and I find energy in knowing that Soul Cycle is kicking your ass and your sports bra gym selfies are empowering every women everywhere (Marie, 2018n).  Also, your 90-day workout goal is working, and while I didn’t see major results between days 0-30, days 30-60 show vast improvements (Marie, 2018o).

I’m glad you check-in on social media when you’re at famous locations, because I always want to know that you’re safe and that the locations are still open for business (Marie, 2018p).

I am most appreciative of your very specific commute posts, where you describe something about the subways that only people from The City would understand (Marie 2018q). The updates about the ridiculous things you see outside your office building, exact street crossings included, fill me with joy to know you are working right near Times Square (Marie, 2018c), which I also know is one of your childhood dreams (Marie, 2018d).

Remember when the guy with the cat on his head gave you a head nod?  I wasn’t there, but I felt your exuberance in the moment after you told us about it and I really felt like I was there.  It was that moment that made you realize you were a New Yorker (Marie, 2017e).  Or no, it was when you posted about finally getting acknowledgment from your bodega guys (Marie, 2018r).  Wait no, it was when you finally got the MetroCard to swipe correctly on the first try (Marie, 2017f).  Remember the struggle you had when you first moved to New York?  It feels like ages ago.  The struggle, as you put it, was “REAL” (Marie 2017g).

Just as a reminder, we met that one time at that party with the costumes on the wall and we talked about RENT and connected on social media during the party so you could tag me in that photo of me going vertical on a bottle of Merlot.  I never allowed it on my timeline, you know, in case a job or something goes looking.

Anyway, keep your head up, and go get ‘em!





Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018a, April 10).  I know I wanted to wait until it was officially one year but I CANT HELP IT and need to say how proud I am to call myself a true New Yorker and how PROUD I am to live in a state that gives FREE college tuition.  This is the beginning of progress in the world that we can see and be affected by every day and if the last 10 months has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what color skin you are or if you’re big or tall or how much money you make, at the end of the day we’re all just humans trying to get by and survive.  This really is the concrete jungle where DREAMS ARE MADE OF! [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/1078945867

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2017a, November 26).  Prolonging my wearing of yoga and sweat pants through the weekend.  The parental units have fed their beast too much and I can’t move.  ROLLING back to the city next week [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/2808468508174

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2017b, December 30). COULDN’T AGREE MORE [Facebook status update w/ link “Things You Forget About Living in a Small Town Once You Move to the Big City”] [Article link: https://www.thoughtcatalog.com/cami-kincaid/2016/05/things-you-forget-about-living-in-a-small-town-once-you-move-to-the-big-city/] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/3808578001672

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018b, February 09). Cabo BEACHES [Facebook Photo Album containing 43 pictures] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/photo/album/CaboBEACHES/76109870

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018c, February 01). SAY SAYONARA BAE [Facebook status update w/ Traveling To info-graphic detailing flight from JFK International Airport to Cabo San Lucas International Airport] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/19830755

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018d, February 08).  EIGHT IS DEFINETLY NOT ENOUGH [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/5200946752183

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018e, February09). UGH four hour delay Delta WHY ME [Facebook status update w/ attached self-portrait image of Hailee (freshly tanned) frowning in the Cabo San Lucas International Airport] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/427893011858056

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018f, February 16, 23, March 02, 09, 16, 23, 30, April 6) #tbt TAKE ME BACK [Facebook status update every Thursday since February 16 w/ different attached photos of Hailee in a bikini on the beach] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/48750183456

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018g, March 03) Me: TGIF New York Weather: Nope [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/1238759

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018h, March 04) They don’t call us weekend warriors for nothing #coldairdontcare [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/3895099179112

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018i, March 05) To those who brunch together #sundayfunday [Facebook status update w/ attached photo of Hailee and three friends holding up a mimosas.  All are wearing circular sunglasses indoors] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/5909163

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018j, March 06) Just when I want to call in sick, I remember how #blessed I am to have the job I wanted in the best city in the world [Facebook status update w/ attached photo of Hailee, wearing a uniform, leaning on a hostess stand at Emmett O’Lunney’s Irish Pub] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/806371

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018k, March 07) When I want to be mad at the 3 for running late but then I remember it gives me more time to people watch [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/007581964

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018l, March 08) Take a moment to help those around you [Facebook status update w/ attached photo of Hailee and a homeless man holding a $5 bill together.  Hailee smiles, the man looks dehumanized] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/6170386

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018m, January 16) Can Pizza Rat be my spirit animal? [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/27973405861

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie]. (2018n, March 14) There’s no one I’d rather see at 6am [Facebook status update w/ attached photo of Hailee and her Soul Cycle instructor post class, both red faced and wearing sports bras.  Hailee is shimmering with sweat, her instructor’s eye brow piercing causes lens flare, causing her cheekbone-to-neck-sized henna tattoo to appear blurry] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/3890179

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie.] (2018o, April 08) I usually don’t post these type of photos, but I am beyond proud of myself after all the hard work I’ve been doing.  Finally seeing some results! [Facebook status update w/ attached photo split down the middle, both sides featuring Hailee in a sports bra, holding her phone in her right hand, flexing her left arm in the mirror.  The left side of the split photo has the typed graphics “Day 0,” the right side has the typed graphics “Day 60.”] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/046917465

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie.] (2018p, February 26) We all have a little darkness in us [Facebook status update w/ Checked In info graphic stating “Hailee Marie has checked in at Jekyll and Hyde Club 91 7th Ave S, New York”] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/0836951

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie.] (2018q, March 1) Starting ear-y January 2019, my –ife wi— be entire-y over [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/1084356

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie.] (2017c, September 4) Anyone notice how polite the bums are on 49th and Broadway?  Make leaving work after a bad shift a little better [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/17459

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie.] (2017d, August 30) Working near Times Square has always been a childhood dream of mine and now I can say I’m making it come true!  Starting training @EmmetOLunney’s tomorrow [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/710468168

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie.] (2017e, December 04) Got a head nod from the GUY WITH THE CAT ON HIS HEAD!!! Real New Yorkers will know what I’m talking about and know how big a day this is! [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/10457134566

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie.] (2018r, February 16) The bodega guys know my name?!  Not sure whether to be honored or creeped, a common feeling for New Yorkers – finally becoming one, one experience at a time [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/03898692

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie.] (2017f, September 11) Swiped my Metrocard on the FIRST TRY.  Becoming a New Yorker one subway ride at a time #lookatmenow [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/35769213

Marie, H. [HaileeMarie.] (2017g, October 05) New York: The struggle is REAL [Facebook status update] Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/haileemarie/posts/3801846


Chris Spies really did once punch a bee to death and has felt bad about it ever since. Now he recycles a lot.


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