“House: The Restaurant,” by Lee Blevins

Sep 19th, 2018 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Take a culinary tour of House: the Restaurant! The only fine dining establishment that feels like home, specifically the home of that upper-middle-class friend you were always jealous of.

Experience four separate but equally dysfunctional gastronomic experiences:

1. The classic dining room where one of our waiters serves as father figure, asks inane questions about your day, and functions as a springboard for all of your daddy issues.

2. Or take a seat in the living room, where the television changes itself, mimicking the unsatisfied remote hand of your late grandmother. Watch out for our house dog – he doesn’t beg for scraps, he demands ‘em!

3. Maybe you’d prefer to eat in the kitchen, standing around for a late night stoned snack, where the cupboards are full and the refrigerator magnets are filthy.

4. Perhaps breakfast in bed is more your style. Enjoy the comfort of our Tempur-Pedic mattress and listen for that neighbor boy tossing rocks at your window. Are you going to let him in? We won’t tell if you do

And who could forget our remarkable family-of-four bathroom where you can take care of your business with ten different issues of Cosmopolitan near at hand (changed bi-weekly) while the house younger sister knocks impatiently at the door.

We also have a driveway basketball court and a rocking chair on the front porch over which our customers occasionally fistfight.

Now serving alcohol! (But only when the parents are asleep).


Lee Blevins is an open mic comic and humorist. You can follow him on Twitter @BleeSevens or visit his sad, bare-bones website byleeblevins.com


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