“The Five Stages of Slime,” by Cam Martin

Aug 1st, 2018 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Did your child or grandchild recently develop an interest in slime? Of course they did; it’s 2018 and playing with a stick and mud is last year’s trip.

There are five stages for dealing with slime in your life. Here’s how you can expect it to go.

Denial: You want what? Slime? Ya mean that 1970s crap that Mattel pushed on folks who got bored with their Pet Rock? Impossible. You see what I got you for Christmas? You got an iPad, an iPod, a $50 gift certificate to iTunes and a definite maybe on SpaceX’s first trip to Mars. No, no, no. I am not procuring Elmer’s glue, glitter, baking soda, laundry detergent, food coloring and the blood of two virgins just so you can make a big bowl of snot. What are you supposed to do with that, anyway? Toss it over your head like you’re making pizza? That passes for playing? No way. Not a chance. Forget about it.

Anger: I can’t believe I’m spending my freaking Saturday trying to find all these ingredients. God forbid they’re all available at the same store. First we go to Walmart, which only had ten of the 27 things you need to make Edible Thermonuclear Glow-in-the-Dark Cell Stem Slime. Then we go to CVS, Stop and Shop, the Dollar Store and back to Walmart – because now you simply want to make some Fluffy Slime, and all you supposedly need for that is glue, Borax and foam shaving cream. I am this close to drinking bleach.

Bargaining: I implore you, please don’t ask me to help you make this satanic concoction. Here’s the measuring cup, there are all the sharp objects. Spread out wherever you want: the leather sofa, the white carpet. You can mix it under the covers of my bed. Don’t worry if it spills everywhere, just please, please, don’t ask me to help you make it.

Depression: The remote control and the coasters are so coated in flour that it looks like we’re running a drug factory. Every cup, bowl, spoon and saucer is coated with Elmer’s. I think I’d like to sniff some glue.

Acceptance: What, you need an eye as the final ingredient in the next batch of slime? Fine, here you go; but now I’m all out.


Cam Martin’s writing has appeared in The New York Times, The New York Times Book Review, The Atlantic, and many other publications.

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