“Substitute Teacher Caught Up in Wind Bathing Incident,” by Joseph Szalinski

Jun 6th, 2018 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Celebrated Bayville Middle School substitute teacher, Charlie Craver, is at the center of some controversy recently, after accidentally exposing himself to a student as she was cutting across his property on her way home from the bus stop.

According to Mr. Craver, he was actually practicing an age-old hygienic ritual known as wind bathing.

“This hygienic practice was actually quite popular with our founding fathers,” Craver explained, “contaminated water was everywhere! It wasn’t safe to drink or bathe in, so many people back then would stand in front of an open window during a raging storm, in order to cleanse themselves.”

It seems that during Craver’s “cleansing session,” he inadvertently revealed a little too much to one of his students.

“Yeah. Poor Judy, huh? Totally wrong place at the wrong time sort of thing. Like I mentioned, it was storming, so I couldn’t really tell if she was crying, or if it was just the rain. Either way, I know she must’ve been traumatized. I know I would’ve been. I got a gross looking dick, man. All scarred up and syphilitic. Not a pretty sight.”

When asked why he kept up practicing wind bathing, Craver replied, “I want people to honestly understand the founding fathers. Those on the left like to see them as enlightened pamphleteers who read Voltaire. Those on the right like to see them as gun-toting, anti-tax rebels. Point being that both perspectives are incredibly diluted! Really, they were nothing but hemp growing slave owners who liked to stick their dicks out into the rain but were afraid to drink the water.”

Pressed further, Craver began to divulge more salacious information, “During my undergrad, I worked as a ‘reenactor’ in Colonial Williamsburg. Decent money. Definitely complemented my history education major. But back then, I used to shower like, two to three times a day! Used all sorts of shampoos and shit. Then I got turned on to wind bathing, and I haven’t looked back since! It’s kinda weird how my friends convinced me to make the switch. We were getting high off some Datura, when I realized that I was the reincarnation of Ben Franklin! After that, I had to adopt his lifestyle. How couldn’t I? But being Ben Franklin, I’m used to doing weird stuff in the rain…Just don’t look in my basement laboratory. Hahahaha.”

Due to Bayville’s laws, Craver will face no charges and will be able to attend work again next week. As for Judy, she is being sent to alternative school in light of the trespassing she committed.


Joseph Szalinski is a graduate of Slippery Rock University of Pennsylvania, where he earned a BS in Creative Writing and a BA in Language and Literature. Since graduating, he’s moved back to his native Pittsburgh, where he worked a series of odd jobs before falling into the position of paraprofessional at a nearby elementary school. Sometimes, when he wants validation from drunken strangers, he shares his half-baked scribblings at local open-mic nights, where he’s earned a reputation as the token “who invited him?” guy.

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