“Recent Graduate Doubts Existence of People Who Have Their Shit Together,” by David Blissenbach

May 23rd, 2018 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose


In many ways, Andy Nosticia is your average college graduate. He has a menial office job, still hasn’t figured out why his company faxes anything, is severely disillusioned, drinks his wine from a coffee mug because all his other dishes are dirty, and of course, he doesn’t have his shit together.

“My shit is all over the place,” Andy stated. “I am behind in my work, can’t pay my bills on time, have no love life to speak of, and I haven’t been able to find my cat in weeks under all the fast food wrappers and empty pop cans in my apartment.”

While this is all standard for those entering the workforce, there is one thing that distinguishes Andy from his peers: he has ceased believing that anyone really has their shit together.

“When I started work,” he said, “I just kept telling myself I had to get my shit together and then I would be fine, but I kept hearing the same thing from people who had been at the job much longer than me. They kept saying, ‘I just need to get my shit together.’ Every once in a while, I would go ask if they had gotten it together yet, but there was always more shit. Eventually, I just started to suspect that nobody had their shit together.”

Nosticia’s views have caused quite a stir in the academic community that studies shit for a living, with some saying his view is impossible. Dr. Steven Terrace, an expert on shit at the University of Colorado, said, “It simply isn’t feasible that nobody has their shit together. If that were true, then the effort everyone puts in to getting it together would be fruitless. It would be an endless progression of shit with no possible end.”

When asked whether he had his shit together, Dr. Terrace confirmed he did not, but he hoped somebody did.

Not all members of the community, however, are so averse to Nosticia’s point. Dr. Philip Proctor at the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul believes that Nosticia’s theory, while simplistic, points out an important flaw in modern shit research.

“I think Mr. Nosticia is on to something. While theoretically possible, getting your shit together is such a difficult task that few people, if any, can do it in practice.”

That isn’t to say, however, that Proctor believes all efforts put into getting one’s shit together are fruitless.

“While it’s true that I’ve never had my shit together, there are times when I have it more together than others. Life, I think, is a process of gathering shit. Sometimes it gets loose and falls to the wayside, but it is never entirely together nor entirely separate. We are all just trying, some with more success than others, to compose our shit just a little more than before.”

Whether ultimately proven or not, it is clear that Nosticia’s theory has had a profound impact on thoughts about shit. Although his theory remains controversial, Nosticia’s book, I Don’t Have My Shit Together and Neither Do You, is set to come out early next month.

“I never expected all the press I’ve gotten from the shit community to go so far. I’m just a guy who never got his shit together, just like all of us.”

In the future, Nosticia plans to write a book about getting shit done, but first he has to get his shit together.


David Blissenbach makes a living teaching English in a small town in Minnesota. He is a graduate of the University of St. Thomas and pursues acting, singing, and writing in his spare time. In the future, he would like to write professionally if his superhero aspirations never take off. Batman can’t ignore his calls forever.

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