“10 Ways Not to Like a Thing,” by Nolan Yard

Apr 11th, 2018 | By | Category: Nonfiction, Prose

1. Before you try not to like it, already make up your mind that you will not like it—this makes it so much easier.

2. When something that you may like pops up in the thing, suppress the urge to like it. Instead, find a scintilla of a detail that is grotesque about it.

3. If many people are finding reasons to like something, make a sweeping generalization that it just “wasn’t for me.”

4. Make comparisons to the thing with similar, yet obscure arcanum. That way people won’t know what the hell you’re talking about but assume you must have valid reasons for not liking said thing.

5. If people criticize you for not liking something, point out that their need to criticize your criticism is critical of the thing they’re liking.

6. If it ever seems like people are about to change your mind to liking a thing, change the topic to something you all loathe.

7. Another good technique to brain-train your distaste is, whenever you see the thing or an advertisement or reference to the thing, make a “pshh” sound. The peculiar punctuation will create an internal mechanism reinforcing your apropos abhorrence.

8. Similar to the previous step, you can try eye-rolling when encountering said thing.

9. If people who like the thing surround you in a cult-like circle, sans incantation books and sacrificial daggers, cover your ears with both hands as they prevent you from changing the subject and continue their pro-liking screed.

10. If cupping hands to your ears doesn’t work, hold your breath til you pass out. When you awake in the hospital, at least you’ll know that you did your best not liking a thing.


Nolan’s work has appeared in Foliate Oak, Aphelion, Blood Moon Rising, and Points In Case. He’s also worked with editors from Random House and Tor. Under the pen name Louis Emery, he writes epic fantasy.

Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.