“New listings on RentMyCar.com!” by Vijay Ilankamban

Sep 13th, 2017 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Nissan GT-R (2014) 

Looking for renters! For only $35 a day, you can rent out my beautiful 4-seat Nissan GT-R. This impressive luxury car is safe to drive, excellent on gas, and with less than 40,000 miles on it, has still managed to hit & kill 454 deer. If you’re looking for some peace and quiet, this is definitely the car for you. The Nissan GT-R is a very quiet drive, so you’ll barely hear any noise when you slam into deer after deer on your drive to the grocery store, to the laundry pickup, or to the end of your driveway and back. The Nissan GT-R also comes with a powerful sunroof, Bluetooth connectivity and a first-class navigation system, in case you’re trying to track down and wipe out an entire family of deer that are on the run from you. Contact me to rent out this beautiful car!

Cadillac SRX (2016)

Looking for renters! For $60 a day, you can rent out my incredible 4-door Cadillac SRX. This amazing vehicle has everything that you need, including automatic transmission, all-wheel drive and a newborn baby in the backseat. I promise you, this vehicle will exceed all your expectations. It only runs at 24 MPG, something that is quite rare for a vehicle of this class, so it’ll save you some much needed money for my little guy’s college fund. You might be thinking that this car is classy enough, but might not be cool enough. Well, let me surprise you, this vehicle is cool enough. It’s equipped with 18-inch rims, enormous tinted glass windows, and spacious 3rd row seating, which happens to be perfect for the three other children that I might need you to parent and raise into adulthood. So please, don’t hesitate and make my responsibilities, your responsibilities!

Honda Odyssey (2012)

Looking for renters! For $45 a day, you can rent out this outstanding 8-seat Honda Odyssey. This unbelievable van is perfect for driving to your child’s soccer practice and nothing else. NOTHING ELSE. This first class van comes fully loaded with park assistance, keyless entry, and a voice-commanded GPS that will tell you to shut the fuck up if you ask it to go anywhere other than your child’s soccer practice. If you are looking for a vehicle that can take you anywhere, then look way further, because this van will literally only take you to your child’s soccer practice. Also, the van includes an iPhone charger mounting system, Sirius XM Radio, and USB & Auxiliary input connections, in case you want to play some of your own music. Please seriously think about your needs before contacting me about this vehicle.

Mini Cooper Countryman (2013)

Looking for renters! For $30 a day, you can rent out my reliable and comfortable 5-seat Mini Cooper Countryman. It’s a turbo-charged vehicle, but I’m not really sure what that means. Sounds kind of cool though, right? I’m guessing it’s like nitro or something. I don’t know where the button is to activate the turbo though, so you’ll have to figure that out. It’s also a 1.6L, 4-cylinder vehicle. Hmmm. Yeah, that means nothing to me. In addition to that, it comes with torque vectoring control. Ummm…I can’t even imagine what that’s about. I know what control means, but not really sure what torque, vectoring or torque vectoring means. Does any of this make sense to you? What am I selling? Is this a car or a spaceship? What is going on? Where am I? Anyways, call me for more details!

Car (2009)

Looking for renters! For $25 a day, you can rent out Car. Car has 4 wheels. Car can transport people. Car drives miles. Car is an automobile. Contact me to rent out Car.


 Vijay Ilankamban is a writer based in New York City, NY. His work has appeared in the Defenestration Magazine, The Big Jewel, Robot Butt and The Higgs Weldon.

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