“The Insurance Pill,” by D. B. Silly

Aug 16th, 2017 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Two things we have in abundance

Medications and Lawsuits

Imagine a pill that gives you coverage for life, home, auto, and health. You take this pill and that’s it. You’re covered.

Say you’re at death’s door. You’re in the hospital with an incredibly painful exotic disease. You know the end is near. So you pop a red insurance pill and instantly your family is covered. You die and the next day a million dollar check appears in the mail or ten million depending on the milligrams. Life insurance in pill form.

OK, let’s say that the exotic disease isn’t quite bad enough to kill you, but you are in the hospital with it. You take a yellow pill at least 30 minutes before the nurse presents you with your bill. And what do you know, payment received. Complete coverage including the prescription for the milk of magnesia.

But then on the way home from the hospital you get into an accident with a dump truck. Before the cops show up you take a greenie and 30 minutes later there’s a policy in your glove compartment. It covers it all, liability, damage, spot paint. Your Porsche is saved!

If your house is on fire, take a white pill and you’ll have plenty of coverage even while your house is still burning. Your grand piano stolen, just take a purple pill for theft, a black pill for water damage.

Then there’s the rainbow pill for the rainbow coverage. That pill covers the loss of all the other pills.

Let’s face it. We’re a medicated society. We might as well use pills to pay for our ills. Forget Medicare and Medicaid. Too many rules. HMO’s are also complicated. With the insurance pill you can just walk off the street to any doctor or specialist’s office and you’ll be seen.

How does it work? Pheromones. The office computer “smells” the insurance on your skin. We’re becoming more and more interrelated with computers every day.  It’s getting to where it’s becoming biological. The computer can actually smell status in your blood. Just as medication can alter your cholesterol and your blood pressure, it can also alter your financial status.

From artificial heart to artificial security. But if it’s artificial won’t it give out? Just like the artificial heart only lasts 10 years, won’t the artificial coverage also wear out?

Of course it will, but that will be for the next generation to worry about. Pushing finances on the next generation is how we’ve always functioned. It’s the Clintonian way.

When one pill wears out, you can always take another pill to cover the first pill, like using Visa to pay Master Card. When you run out of insurance pills, you can always have an insurance transplant. Or an insurance bypass. Instead of the coverage paying for the treatment the treatment will pay for the coverage.


D. B. Silly is an advocate for alternative concepts and an extreme new wave, avant garde, eurotrash-like writer. He has written almost 500 humor articles of various stages of completion. Sometimes he has to write his own rejection letters as his submissions are often returned unopened. His work has been seen in the online magazine Points in Case (circulation 500,000) and the non-online magazine Issues (Circulation 1). Once owned the best salami-eating dog in the world, who sadly ran away to join The Salamic State. D. B. Silly resides in the semi-fictional town of Sppa (with two P’s) City, North Carolina.

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