“The Cosmology of Your PANDORA Charm Bracelet,” by Heidi Espenscheid Nibbelink

Jun 7th, 2017 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

“You don’t just wear a bracelet. You create yourself for the day.

                                                                                                –PANDORA Company

Wife Charm 70.00 USD:  What if all the years and effort you’ve put into this role could be encapsulated into one small heart-shaped silver charm with the word Love embossed in gold lettering? What if finally after fifteen years of marriage Dennis bought you a present for once, instead of telling you to pick out something nice for yourself?

Mother Charm: You contained your child within the universe of your body as you knit her being together. Now she expresses her gratitude and love in a fingernail-sized charm for the low, low price of 55.00 USD.

Tennis Player Charm 70.00 USD: Ladies who lunch fear you. Lesson-takers watch you in awe. On the clay, you’re transformed into a snarling she-beast who stops at nothing to take what’s rightfully hers. Let the jingling of this sterling silver bangle be the music that accompanies your victory lap around the prostrate bodies of your enemies.

Owl Lover Charm: As central heating supplanted the wood stove, so the owl has supplanted the chicken as the decorative symbol of fertility and abundance in American homes. Never mind that for centuries it was a symbolic harbinger of death. Yours for 55.00 USD.

Music Trinity Silver Dangle with Red Enamel Charm 50.00 USD. Let us be clear. Guitar is not your instrument. But they were fresh out of clavichord charms, so Dennis thought this would do. Plus, the attached silver heart charm with a second red enamel heart embedded within it proclaiming I Music announces to the world you’re not
f cking around with this music thing.

Sail Boat Charm 35.00 USD:  An office-gift exchange from your co-worker Sherri.  You feel slightly guilty that she took the time to notice your Pandora bracelet and you got her a pinecone-shaped candle. You’re not sure what it’s supposed to signify. You suspect she got it on sale.

Lycanthrope Charm 70.00 USD: You asked him not to, but on the eve of the latest full moon Dennis presented you with a charm commemorating your transformation. Then he tased you, dragged you into the safe room, and affixed the silver manacles, leaving you to strain and wallow in your own filth until the danger passed. This adorable wolf’s-head charm is made of repurposed silver bullets. Ironic!

Stiletto Silver Dangle with Cubic Zirconia Charm 50.00 USD: Because what lady doesn’t love shoes, amiright? After a weekend of scrabbling at the walls of your safe room with six-inch hooked claws it feels so good to shove your tootsies into a pair of glittery stilettos and hit the town. Girls night!

Angel of Grace 14K Gold Charm 400.00 USD. “Exquisitely detailed with a sweet heart and crochet details, this magnificent angel charm in 14K gold will watch over your bracelet with dignity, grace and loving protection.” Go ahead and splurge. You are worthy of love, happiness, and success–and a four hundred dollar angel charm the size of a belly button.  Plus, you’ll have something to sell if Dennis tires of monthly werewolf-sitting duty.

The PANDORA charm bracelet: For when you want to tell the world you are a world. You contain multitudes.


Heidi Espenscheid Nibbelink is exploring options for losing 40 pounds and dying her hair blond so she can join the new administration’s fembot army. In the meantime, she remains a curvy, bespectacled brunette who continues to campaign for leggings as pants. Agree or disagree, but do read her short fiction published in New Pop Lit, Shark Reef, Drunk Monkeys and elsewhere at heidinibbelink.com.

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