“Share a Coke, I Guess,” by Hunter Toro

May 3rd, 2017 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

In a statement to the press this week, Coca Cola reflected on the recent release of their new marketing campaign—“Share a Coke, Passive Aggressively.”

Edgar Holod, senior brand manager for Coca Cola, said the company’s decision to expand their marketing was largely influenced by the surprising— and demoralizing— success of the initial Share a Coke campaign, as well as the success of an earlier movement, “Coke Zero for Zeroes.”

“Honestly, all of us at Coca Cola feel extreme despair that the American people would respond as enthusiastically as they did,” he said.

“Perhaps the inevitability of diabetes is more appealing when it comes personalized,” he added.

Consumers are reacting positively to the diverse new options including: Share a Coke with “An Accident,” or with The Birthday Girl! (Even Though You Forgot Mine).” Share a Coke with “A Gender Bender” is harder to find these days, and has sold for as high as $7 on eBay.

The campaign launched last month with the bestseller, Share a Coke with “You know, Things Could Be Worse.”

Dana Brown is one of the millions of satisfied Share a Coke customers. She even credits the new campaign with improving her relationship with her mom.

“When I gave my mom the Share a Coke with ‘Distant Mother,’ I just felt much lighter, much freer even,” she said.

“You can say so much in so little,” she added.

Brown even noticed increased satisfaction, efficiency, and green living in her workplace.

“Weekly I had to channel my bitterness into office post-it notes about dirty coffee mugs. Share a Coke Passive Aggressively is saving me an unbelievable amount of time. Now it’s easy to remind co-workers of how worthless they are. And, no trees are even harmed in the process,” she said. “Thank you, Coca Cola!”

Holod said the Coca Cola team is hard at work preparing for the upcoming holiday season. He believes in what they do, both as an executive and a customer.

“Heck, my nephew is going to get one from me,” said Holod. “I plan to Share a Coke with ‘Family History of Alcoholism.’”

The special-edition red and green cans will focus on celebrating family and friends. Coming this December, you can Share a Coke with “A Loveless Marriage,” “A Grandma who still says ‘Negro,’” “The Whore of Babylon,” and “Single by ‘choice.’”


Hunter Toro is a writer living out of Atlanta, Georgia, who recently graduated from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. She lives in constant fear of adult braces. Judging from the fact that she’s writing about herself in the third person, she is also a big, fat narcissist.

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