“A notice. A reply.” by Jamie Richmond

Apr 5th, 2017 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Dear Employer

Please accept this letter as a formal notification that I am resigning from my position as a telesales operator with FDE Energy. I understand it is normal practice for staff to work a period of notice. However, as I am still waiting for two weeks’ worth of wages from overtime I don’t think that transition period is necessary so I will not be coming into work anymore. I packed all my belongings on Saturday when I was forced to work yet again, so my return is no longer necessary.

Thank you for the opportunity and I wish you good luck in the future.

Yours Regretfully

Simon Brown

***

Dear Employee

I gratefully accept your letter of resignation, even though it is not a letter, it is an email. I must say that I smiled when I read it, then I showed the rest of the building who also seemed to be happy that you are leaving. Tom the security guard even jumped for joy. That’s the first time I have ever seen anybody do this. I thought it was just a turn of phrase. Obviously not!

It is normal procedure for staff to work a notice period but as it’s you I’m sure we can waive that rule on this occasion. In fact, I am giving the whole building time off work to allow staff to prepare for the upcoming party. I believe you haven’t been paid for the overtime because you have not been paid yet but do not worry, I will amend your final pay packet and remove these two weeks. We at FDE also appreciate you coming in on Saturday for no reason, how very nice of you.

Yours Gratefully

FDE Energy

***

Dear Employer

Why are you showing other staff members my notice? Also who is Tom, I have worked there eight years and I have never met a Tom before, is he new?

What party are you referring? Have you arranged a leaving-do for me?

P.S. That’s fine you can keep all of the money, I don’t care cos I have won the lottery anyway. Enjoy your peasant lives bitches.

Yours Hatefully

Simon Brown

***

Dear Employee

Yes, I showed staff your notice because we take morale seriously here at FDE Energy and since your departure morale and productivity has increased 27%, so thank you for that. As for Tom, he has been here since the building was built, but he said he hides every time he sees you, so that may be the reason why you haven’t seen him around.

The leaving-do is in honour of you. We even did a collection for you but you left before we had a chance to get it to you. Never mind, the money will pay for the drinks and some of the balloons at your party.

Yours Lovingly

FDE Energy

P.S. This is where you place a P.S.

P.S.S. I’m so glad you have won the lottery as you have shown in your time here that you have zero prospects and even fewer brain cells, so at least now you can pay someone to complete simple tasks for you, like showering and ironing (which you seemed to struggle with while here).

***

Dear Former Employer

Go fuck yourself

Yours Fingeringly

Simon Brown

***

Dear Employer

If it may be at all possible I would like to retract my original notice from FDE and continue employment ASAP, I will also need the wages of overtime I worked. (as well as the Saturday)

Yours Sincerely

Simon Brown

P.S. I haven’t really won the lottery it was all a joke by my gf. We have since split up because of this.

***

Dear Employee,

Please note I am out of office and will be unavailable for some time as I am on holiday in “fuck yourself”

Yours Laughingly

FDE Energy

P.S. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL, ROFL, LMAO

————

Jamie Richmond was born, raised, and still finds himself in Sunderland, UK. Everything he knows about writing is from textbooks, lectures, the internet and writing groups. Jamie has been published on the Zeroflash website and was long-listed for the University of Sunderland Short Story Award in 2016. He is currently writing and submitting short stories and flash fiction while working on a 15-novel supernatural series. Jamie hopes to one day turn his favourite hobby into a job and become a writer, or become Batman. But preferably a writer. Twitter: @JamieRichmond16

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