“Robot Impregnates Woman, Sues for Fatherhood Rights,” by Liz Nguyen

Mar 29th, 2017 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

“I’m going to be a father,” says robot Karl Weindfeller. The 6’ 2” LED-eyed, copper-plated machine makes history as the first metal man to impregnate a human woman and lay claim to her unborn child. A customer service representative at Mueller Brewery, Weindfeller is suing his one-night partner and carrier of the fetus, Alexandra Bourne, for legal recognition as the daddy.

The romantic night occurred three months ago during the later hours of a company soiree. Weindfeller claims he was passing out samples of the latest craft beer when a smashed Bourne, head of Human Resources, invited him into her private office and began fondling his ass.

“I assumed she knew who I was and what she was doing,” says Weindfeller. “Even if she didn’t recognize my face, I am the only employee whose posterior is made of metal.”  The robot impregnated the woman using a specialized dildo complete with live sperm and pressure-sensitive testicles.

Weindfeller looks like a typical robot—alloy limbs, chrome joints. His jaw jerks up and down like a puppet’s, incapable of nuanced movement. But the voice that comes out is soft, sensitive: “I’ve always wanted to be a father. It’s hard, wanting that when you’re a robot.” There’s a slight hitch, his sound system choked with static.

Weindfeller explains his baby-making methods. “I’m self-employed in the evenings. After the office closes up, I hit the streets and find some guys who look like they’ve got nothing better to do. We find a dark corner and I blow them for some cash. That’s how I bought my phallus,” he says, referring to the dildo that did the deed. Weindfeller’s eight inches of electric blue silicone comes with a pair of hollow danglies for containing sperm; ejaculation is triggered by a manual squeeze.

“I got the sperm from my nights out,” Weindfeller continues. “I froze the stuff in my internal cooling tank. When Alex put the moves on me, I let it thaw during the foreplay and, well, yeah.”

While it’s unknown whose boogers knocked up Bourne, Weindfeller gives a hint as to who the winner might be: “My most frequent client was this homeless man who sleeps behind the Mueller office building.”

Weindfeller will be representing himself in court, claiming that current lawyers are unable to voice the feelings and desires of a robot. However, he’s being aided by lead robot expert Rin Okamura, who is also studying Weindfeller as a specimen. “Never before have we seen any AI with such an amazing level of consciousness. It’s fascinating,” she says.

The people of Mueller Brewery have expressed varying attitudes towards their robotic coworker. VP Joe Markowitz says, “He was always really chatty. I just thought it was part of his job, since he’s a service rep. I had no idea that he could actually think until he told me the good news.” Stanly Park, janitor, says, “Whenever I’d come by with the vacuum cleaner he’d try to serve me tea. Never took any of it, because one day they’ll make a robot that can plunge toilets and then I’ll be out of a job.”

The Mueller office has been abuzz with the controversy, and Weindfeller has received many visits from coworkers and the press. “Everyone loves the tour of my ‘pad,’” he says, referring to the hardware closet where he powers down every night. It’s a 30×50 niche that he shares with the mop and spare boiler, but he’s cozied up the space with splatter paintings and photos from bygone calendars. In a corner, an aquarium filled with pebbles houses a plastic turtle named Cindy.

It’s unclear how Weindfeller became sentient or whether he may become a threat to humankind, but Okamura doesn’t seem too concerned. “I’m not saying that he’s incapable of snapping and killing someone, but even if he does, he’s still a major leap for the field of robotics. A truly beautiful specimen. So sensitive. Such soul!”  In a low breath, she adds, “I would bang him.”

Bourne was telephoned for comment, but her only words were, “That robot ain’t getting my baby until we are wed! Karl may be a sweet guy, but he needs to put a ring on it!”


Liz Nguyen enjoys cat hunting, an intrepid hobby that involves prowling the neighborhood and cuddling with possibly YOUR household feline and treasured family member.  Her work can be described as “too weird to be sexy.” Her first love was Cats the musical, and she is currently dating The Heart of Thomas, a 70s-era manga about the drama and trauma of provincial boarding schools. Her destiny is to write a Pulitzer Prize-winning fan fiction.


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