“The Truth About Farts and People,” by Amrita Chanda

Dec 14th, 2016 | By | Category: Nonfiction, Prose

Unsolicited, bizarre, rather lonely three am revelations

Tada, the voices in my head:

‘People should be more like farts: honest, ballsy and unpredictable’

Farts are underrated. There! Somebody had to say it out loud and I, for one, have decided that I want to hold it in no more. I don’t know about you, but modern day farting has left me fairly dissatisfied and as a fellow fartsman, roughly discriminated too—the guilt, the secrecy, the cover ups and the denial! Ugh, denial’s the worst… it’s all very exhausting, to say the least. Like everything else in this world, I bet things weren’t this complicated back in the day. Yeah, I’m pretty sure they celebrated farts just as everything else but we don’t hear the history books talk about those, now do we? See? Discrimination.

I don’t get it. All farts are natural, sure. But are all natural outcomes, farts? Think about it.

Farts have long been muffled, mismanaged and misunderstood which is actually very sad, since they come with nothing but the best intentions. I understand, they’re not exactly music to the ears or incredibly pretty in their approach, but hey, the idea is to lighten up. Besides, who doesn’t enjoy a good fart joke? You know you’re never too old for those. Farts are nice. They’re like a jolly good bunch of selfless gas bubbles, who have been serving the Universe, since time immemorial. But we don’t care about that kind of stuff anymore.

Also, we strive to exist in a utopian world where girls, apparently do not fart. Let’s take a moment to digest that. We like to believe that girls are all things nice and beautiful. While poop falls under the inevitable, farts are consciously dodged out of consideration.

I hate to break this to you, but girls fart too. The cool ones to the pretty ones, they all fart.

If you ever come across a woman who says, ‘Ew, farts!’, do not believe her. Actually, ditch her, she’s probably lying about the other stuff too.

I am a girl and this could very well ruin my chances of ever getting laid, but I laugh every time somebody farts and let’s just say, you won’t ever be disappointed, if and when you pull my finger. All I’m saying is, for once, man up and say that the dog didn’t do it. You did.

If anything, there’s a lot we can learn from the art of farting and don’t even get me started on the symbolic implications of farting. Because that would just open a can of worms and I have a feeling that this has already been almost entirely about flatulence.

To winds that pass!

Amrita Chanda is a struggling writer looking for her big, bad break. She writes books that nobody reads and is currently jobless, broke, and slightly overweight.

You would be pleased to know that she is quite famous; she has over thirty followers on Instagram.

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