“Drugs, Sex, and a Live Podcast Recording,” by Bethany Marcel

Nov 16th, 2016 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

This live podcast recording is going to be so epic. The anticipation is palpable, and we’re sufficiently prepared to be both dazzled and rocked. We’ve been waiting six months for the tour dates to be announced and now that we know they’re coming here—here, of all places—we’re about to politely lose our minds.

We have our tickets printed out. Jamie, Tommy, Lena, Chaz. We’re all going. We have our t-shirts set out too, ready to wear. The ripped sleeves. The podcast logo. Are we wearing matching wristbands? Unironically and absolutely. Has my t-shirt been ironed yet? Clearly. We are so prepared for this event.

Will there be drugs? What do you think? Alcohol? Sex? This is a live podcast recording. Anything can happen. And will.

Will we be punctual in our attendance of this event? Yes. Will we fight our way to the front row? Hello, am I a podcast fan? That’s a yes so clear you could see through it. Can you just imagine the sound quality? It’ll be similar to previously recorded episodes, sure, but also infinitely better in a way only true fans can—and will—be able to identify. (Will we later listen back to the live episode, just to hear how distant and muffled the recorded audio sounds? Absolutely not.)

I feel as though you’re not 100% with me yet, and live podcast recordings do require a certain devotion and excitement. So perhaps it would do us well to picture the scene together. It’s a Saturday night. The front row. The crowd is roaring, just going wild. Lena is up on Tommy’s shoulders. Chaz is stage diving—he’s really committing to it. And then—are you ready? Picture me:

I’m standing there. Waving my lighter. Listening to the live podcast.

I know what you’re asking yourself. Are there scenarios in which an individual may throw a pair of underwear up on stage (as sometimes happens at festive and rocking occasions such as these)? Well, certainly. It’s possible. Just imagine it. The look on the podcast host’s face as he briefly side-glances them, then continues on with the interview. Epic.

I’m very much looking forward to this cutting-edge performance. The lights. The sounds. The animalistic noises of the crowd at the shows close, the applause like nothing you’ve ever heard before, nothing you’ve ever even imagined in your previously pathetic life. But don’t worry, dear friend. There’s nothing pathetic about your life now. Because you’re about to witness one of man’s greatest achievements—a chilling and thrilling, goose bump-inducing, near orgasm-producing live podcast recording.

As you may have gathered I am truly looking forward to every part of this. But most of all I can’t wait to be up front, my fists pumping in the air, just rocking out listening to that one guy talking for approximately fifty minutes.


Defenestration-Generic Female 01Bethany Marcel is the world’s biggest podcast fan. Her work has been published in The Nervous Breakdown. She lives in Portland, Oregon with her husband and dog, who likely has more Twitter followers than she does. Please fix that. @bethmarcel

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