“Working at an insurance company is killing my soul but now that I’ve got your voicemail…” by Robin Sizemore

Mar 9th, 2016 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Sprightly: Good afternoon, this is Robin from XYZ Insurance. I’m sorry I’ve missed you. Interested in saving some of that hard-earned cash? Well XYZ can help. Give me a moment to explain.

In a hushed whisper: I’m supposed to be asking you to agree to a competitive insurance quote but I’m just so burned out on this job I can’t even go through the spiel. I mean really, WHO CARES? Insurance companies are such self -serving rip-off artists. And my boss is an obese cootie who drops everything to watch me make coffee. Gives me the creeps. If he makes one more joke about insuring my body parts, I swear I’ll call the Better Business Bureau. Freak.

Effervescent: We would love to compare your cost for coverage with your current insurance agency to the price of our policies. Ready to buy that Porsche you’ve always wanted? We can insure it and leave you plenty of cash to gas it up and head to the Hampton’s for the weekend. Need to insure your home but want a better value? Let us quote you a price that will allow you to have the security you need with money left over for groceries, even dinner out! Renting? We’ll help you replace your collection of ceramic cats should anything unseemly happen. Own your own rental property? We’ll insure that even if the four horsemen of the apocalypse land on the roof you won’t be responsible.

Seething: I mean they’re soulless. They charge you for your fears. Worried about a flood destroying your home? Give us money. Afraid your neighbor is going to steal your flat screen? Pay us. We’ll cover anything… after you pay a huge deductible that is. Unbelievable. No wonder people disappear and hole up in the mountains…anyone with a brain who thinks about this system too long would be crazy NOT to remove themselves from civilization.

Bouncy: We are here and at your service Monday through Friday from 8-5 and Saturdays, 8-12. Give us a call back at 111-1111 and we’ll set you up with a policy comparison appointment. Just bring statements for all the insurance you carry, we’ll do the rest. We’ll make you feel at home while you’re waiting. Our friendly agents want to help you achieve your insurance goals.

Conspiratorially: I’m going to share something with you I haven’t told anyone. I haven’t even allowed myself to think it. But it’s time to grab life you know? Give my dream the courtesy of believing in it. I feel like saying it out loud will make it real, possible, you know? Because when you put a dream into words, it’s like a commitment. My whole life, I’ve done what I was supposed to do. I did my homework, shared my toys, went to college for business because that’s how you get hired, right? Summer jobs, volunteer work I didn’t enjoy for the sake of my resume, going to parties with influential people (who never buy their own drinks by the way), taking this job for crying out loud! Follow the rules, drive the speed limit, eat your vegetables! Where’s the joy? The pure, crazy smile on your face, heart racing, ‘now this is living!’ bliss?

Chipper: We know you will find that XYZ is there for you with the coverage you need at the price you can afford.

Desperate: …listen, I know if I share this with you, it’s not guaranteed to happen, but I truly believe that speaking about my dream will give it life, set things in motion to make it happen instead of keeping it buried in this pine box of a life. So hold on to your socks, im releasing my dream into the world. Happy Birthday Dream!! Here goes!! Since I was 8 years old, my dream has been to –

Defenestration-Robin SizemoreRobin Sizemore is a reading teacher and graphic novel lover who lives somewhere in Indiana—where you can’t buy alcohol on Sunday but you can make it to Illinois in an emergency – with her husband, daughter, son, and two dog bffs. She’s passionate about helping children find their strengths. Do her a favor and read the books A Wrinkle in Time, Wonder, and anything John Green writes (including tweets). And if you’re working at an insurance agency, stay strong my friend.

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