“Calypso,” by Stephen Starr

Nov 11th, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Hello Calypso customer. Thank you for your recent order. This e-mail confirms the receipt of your order for “The Game of Thrones” box set. You will be contacted when your order is ready for shipping.

Dear Calypso customer, we will keep you informed about the status of your purchase every step of the way.

Dear Calypso customer, unfortunately, the item you have purchased is on back order. As soon as it is available, we will inform you and ship it out.

Dear Calypso customer, other people who ordered “Game of Thrones” have ordered “The Hunger Games.”

Dear Calypso customer, thank you for your patience. The “Game of Thrones” box set is currently out of stock. We have placed an order through Amazon and we are expecting your box set to arrive any day now.

Dear Calypso customer, other people who ordered “Game of Thrones” have enjoyed the “Dune” and “Foundation” trilogies.

Dear Calypso customer, there seems to be some kind of delay in the mail. Your item still has not arrived.

Dear Calypso customer, the package came, but we were out. The delivery guy left a doorknocker message. By the time we got to the courier depot, it was closed. We’ll try again tomorrow.

Dear Calypso customer, we picked up your order today. One of the corners was crushed a bit, but the books seem to be okay. We’re sending it out today. Tomorrow, at the latest.

Dear Calypso customer, the box set is definitely on its way.

Dear Calypso customer, your package arrived at the recipient’s address. Your father signed for it. We presume it was your father. Same last name. Basically you in thirty years. He smiled and seemed genuinely touched that you remembered his birthday.

Dear Calypso customer, your father still hasn’t opened the package.

Dear Calypso customer, your mother came home. She scowled a bit when she saw the package. She picked it up, checked the weight, and then put it with the mail on the table in the front hall. She wondered why you would send such a cheap gift for your father’s 70th birthday. Especially after you got that promotion you were bragging about. Other customers who ordered “Game of Thrones” have flown out to be with their parents on important birthdays. The other customers also spent three times as much on presents for their parents.

Dear Calypso customer, your father still hasn’t opened the package yet. There are some “not-at-this address” letters, a hardware catalogue, pizza coupons and a set of keys on top of it.

Dear Calypso customer, your father finally opened the package. He seems to have expected the DVD box set, not the books. Other customers who ordered box sets knew if their fathers’ weren’t big readers.

Dear Calypso customer, your father’s party was a big success. Everyone was wondering why you weren’t there. Your sister got him an i-Pad.

Dear Calypso customer, other people who purchased “The Game of Thrones” box set have more thoughtful siblings as well.

Dear Calypso customer, your father started reading the first book, but he hasn’t made much progress. Your mother is constantly haranguing him about you or your sister. He generally zones out and watches sports in the basement. Other customers’ parents who have serious communication problems have divorced.

Dear Calypso customer, your “Game of Thrones” box set ended up in a garage sale. An older woman bought it. She gave it to her grandson who likes science fiction. He was also expecting the DVD box set.

Dear Calypso customer. The box set that you ordered is now in the attic of that grandson’s second home.

Dear Calypso customer, we haven’t heard from you for some time. Other customers who have not purchased items in the past 80 years have had the following items purchased for them: embalming fluid, dark suit, deluxe casket, and wreath.

Would you consider joining the Calypso Rewards Club? For a limited time, we are offering double points on every purchase. We want you back!

Defenestration-Stephen StarrStephen Starr is a physician and writer. His work has appeared in Response, Doctor’s Review, The Medical Post, Defenestration, and Hobo Pancakes. He keeps his stuff in Victoria, BC.

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