“Application and Aptitude Test for the Position of Chainsaw Killer at Shady Pines Summer Camp,” by David Nilsen

Nov 13th, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Applicant information.

1. Name:

2. Suggested nickname for future use by alarmed local reporters and inept local law enforcement:

3. What, in your opinion, were the three most fucked up things that happened to you in early childhood?

4. What do you see as the role of a chainsaw killer in the lives of the young people at Shady Pines?

5. Where do you see yourself in five years?

6. Where do you see our camp counselors in five years?

7. That last question was a joke. We both know they’ll never make it. Lighten up.

8. What would you say is the biggest weakness you would bring to the position of Chainsaw Killer?

9. Share your biggest reasons for hating nubile teen camp counselors and wanting to see them dismembered:

10. What three words best describe how you feel at the thought of all the sex those counselors are having while you fill out this application?

11. Please list below your last three killing sprees, with references of individuals who thought they’d killed you for good after each.

Aptitude test.

1. Please list, with specifications, all makes/models of chainsaws you have killed a human being with.

2. Describe in your own words the best method for cold starting a Husqvarna 460 “Rancher” model gas chainsaw.

3. The chain on your Tanaka 20” gas chainsaw is binding because of all the blood and tissue caking the guidebar. Describe in your own words how to efficiently get your chainsaw back in working order.

4. You’ve followed our camp’s only virgin back to her cabin. How many seconds should you wait after she closes to door to be sure she’ll be in a PG-13 state of undress when you burst in revving your chainsaw?

5. Susie and Mike are having unrealistically non-awkward sex in the rec hall at the east end of camp. Jenny and Pamela are having a pillow fight in their underwear, as our female counselors are wont to do, in their cabin at the west end of camp. Timothy, the loner who hasn’t jibed with the others, is investigating a sound (you) down by the lake. Draw below the optimal path you should take to knock them all off and be back to the dining hall before our camp’s Final Girl makes it back from town with the supplies for s’mores:

6. List some methods for successfully chasing down reasonably fit teenagers while never visibly breaking into a run yourself:

7. With the chainsaw provided in this office, demonstrate the proper arm motion for a clean decapitation.

8. Wait, why are you actually starting it. What are you doing?! WHY?!

Thank you for taking our aptitude test for the position of Chainsaw Killer. You will hear from us soon.

Defenestration-David NilsenDavid Nilsen is a librarian and writer from Greenville, Ohio. He is the editor and lead critic for his library’s online literary journal, Fourth & Sycamore, and he is a member of the National Book Critics Circle. His writing can be found at davidnilsenwriter.com, and he tweets from @NilsenDavid. He lives with his wife, daughter, and undersized black cat.

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