“Bikers Claim Identity Is ‘Fluid,'” by Jack Masterson

Oct 14th, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Earlier this week, the National Associated Bicyclists of America (NABA) issued a statement claiming their identities on the road as ‘fluid,’ or, “defined as neither automotive nor ambulatory,” a claim that has caused quite the ruckus across urban America.

“The idea that they can ride in the middle of the lane like a car, and then blow through a red light like they have a “Walk” sign is ridiculous,” says Kathy Weinstein, president of United Cars America (UCA). “They’ve got to choose: either they obey the rules of a pedestrian or the rules of an automobile; you can’t have both.” When pressed for comment, Ms. Weinstein—who drives a black Honda CR-V to and from her two jobs during rush hour every day to support her three children—said, “I mean, I’ve got no problem with them. They just need to pick an identity and then I’ll recognize them as legitimate on the road.”

Many city-folk have been disgruntled with the upsurge in bikers in recent years. Many blame President Obama and his wife Michelle, whose programs to educate children about health and the benefits of exercise have tasked schools with creating running, walking, and—in extreme cases—biking clubs for kids.

“There were never any of these bikers when I was growing up,” said Gus Harvey of Atlanta. “Back when I was growin’ up, kids didn’t have time for bikes, what with all the working they were doing. And the ones that were biking didn’t make problems for other folks. They either followed the rules of the road or got off and walked their bikes at intersections like polite boys and girls.”

This biker identity crisis reflects a growing trend in America, and it’s got a lot of people confused, due to the fact that to many, road-identity seems like an obviously binary system. You’re either a car or you’re not. And, as usual, the scientific community can’t reach any kind of consensus.

“Research from the early seventies suggests that the old-school canon is correct, that road-identity can’t be ‘fluid’ or filled with any gray area,” said Dr. Meina Happold, author of Scared Straight: One Biker’s Ride through South Philly. “Recent studies, however, are showing that, though people riding bikes are a lot like people driving cars, they’re also people, too. And people also walk.”

With opinions flying in from all across the political spectrum, there’s no telling how this socially charged issue will work out. Rush Limbaugh calls bikers “The scourge of this Earth,” while Rachel Maddow claims that they have been the sole reason the economy has climbed back to pre-recession standings. The only thing this paper—and this reporter—knows for sure is that this debate is far from settled.

Karl Dodge is a reporter for the Independent Press, based out of Carlsburg, VA.

Defenestration-Jack MastersonJack Masterson is nothing if not average. He enjoys a good dad joke, likes classic rock circa 1970, and fiercely believes in not having strong opinions. He enjoys eating, sleeping, and breathing among other things, and when he’s not at home or at work you’ll have to try him on his cell. If you don’t like his opinion, ignoring him has proven effective in the past, and for tips on how to deal with him, try contacting his family or friends who have been navigating those waters for the last quarter-century.

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