Red: Red sighs very deeply. “Ugh, don’t even get me started on her,” says red, before changing the subject.

Yellow: Yellow always tilts its head and goes, “Aww, he’s not such a bad guy, once you get to know him.”

Orange: It’s not so much what orange says about you as the way that orange says it.

Green: Tells a funny story from college. Reflects that it’s been an awfully long time since college. “Good times,” it adds, shaking its head.

Brown: Speaks with admiration about how much it liked your music, wishing it knew why with all that potential you’re still stuck in that sales job.

Blue: Comments on your recent weight loss. Implies that you looked better with curves. Outright states that it likes a heftier lady.

Purple: Takes credit for your work around the office. Landing the Garfinkle account? That was all purple.

Pink: “She’s nice,” pink says. “I like her a lot.” Pink has no idea who you are.

Indigo: Wonders out loud why it never worked out with you and Diane.

Magenta: “Oh, him,” magenta says. “He’s a character.” Magenta declines to elaborate.

Turquoise: In hindsight, probably has you confused with someone else.

Gold: Makes the conversation about it instead.

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Adam Bertocci is a writer, filmmaker and humorist, best-known for the surprisingly educational mashup “Two Gentlemen of Lebowski”. His Web site, Twitter and favorite word are, respectively, www.adambertocci.com, @AdamBertocci, and discombobulated.