“What to Expect When You’re Expecting: T-Rex Edition,” by Katie Burgess

Sep 23rd, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

So you’re expecting the scrrrrrrrrritch of little claws—congratulations! You’ve heard the old saying that hatchlings don’t come with instruction manuals, but in fact many well-meaning friends and relatives are probably already bombarding you with advice. Never fear; no one expects you to know everything, and even the best parents occasionally slip and eat their offspring. For now relax, take a deep breath, and start familiarizing yourself with the basics.

First things first, take care of you! Get plenty of rest and fluids. Avoid toxic fumes from wildfires, smoking volcanoes, etc. As you no doubt know, the best gift you can give your precious bundle is eating right. This doesn’t have to be a chore—healthy eating can fit into variety of diets, whether you’re more of an apex predator, a scavenger, or even a cannibal. The important thing is staying well-rounded. It’s okay to give into a meat craving here and there, as long as you’re balancing it with more meat. (See Chapter Six, “Understanding the Food Group,” for nutritious and delicious recipes!)

Avoid stress. Sure, there’s lots you could fret about as a new mom. What if your child gets sick? What if other predators raid your nest? What if global climatic change makes the environment inhospitable to your continued existence? (See Chapter Twelve, “So the Sky Is Now On Fire.”) Don’t dwell on situations beyond your control. Every pregnancy is different, and you’ll deal with your own problems as they arise. Stress hormones are known to hinder egg development, so excessive worrying means that YOU ARE KILLING YOUR BABIES YOU MONSTER SO CALM DOWN THIS INSTANT! Why not try prenatal yoga? Stretching is great for Mommy and Baby, and your yoga classmates are a great source of lean protein.

Those stories you’ve heard about pregnancy mood swings are no joke—hormone surges can make you increasingly emotional, and small annoyances may start to bother you more. Maybe a friend wants to endlessly lecture you about the virtues of breast feeding, even though you’ve explained that you are a reptile and do not produce milk. Maybe you feel pressured to quit your job and stay with the nest full time, even though you’d rather be out disemboweling Triceratops, which is what you went to school for. Try to stay positive and focus on how thrilled you are to become a mom. Even if you feel cranky, you don’t want to bite anyone’s head off—simply tearing off an arm as a warning will do.

Finally, prepare for the future. It’s never too early to come up with a birth plan. For instance, where do you want to lay your eggs? In a patch of dirt? Or a patch of mud? Do you want a natural childbirth, or something else? What would that something else even be? Discuss your preferences with your doctor and make sure he or she understands your wishes. If you find that you don’t see eye-to-eye, it may be time to part ways and find a new doctor. (See Chapter Four, “When to Eat Your OB/GYN.”) You should also begin baby-proofing your home long before your due date. Note potential hazards such as tar pits, flooding, and comets. Remember, even small amounts of hot lava can be dangerous for an infant.

You’re probably still a bit nervous, but hopefully you’re excited, too! Your little ones will need all of your love and care, until they grow old enough to battle you for dominance.

Defenestration-Katie Burgess3Katie Burgess is currently a stay at home mom, which sounds better than “unemployable mom.”

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